LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



DDDDSEOSbaE 



HITS AND DASHES 



A MEDLEY OF SKETCHES AND SCRAPS, 



®ottcl)ing |]copte ani Sljings. 



BY "OYMOW.' 



nHILOM PUntlSHED IN DIVERS NEW8-PRINTS OF THg OKX. 



" Will you stay, gentlemen ? 
A piece of beef and cold capon, that 's all, — 
You know you're welcome." 



I 



BOSTON : 



PUBLISHED BY REDDING & CO., 

No. 8 State Street. 
1852. 



S6 



■^H^ 



Enlered according to Act of Congress, in the year 186^, in {}je <.'?('rk=» 
Office of the District Court of the District of Hiaesachusp^t^. 



/ 



/^}/»-'r 



Bazin k. Chaivdlkr, Printers, 
37 Coruhill, Boston. 



^ I 



% 



APOLOGY 



In compliance with the importunities of many of my friends, 
and for the purpose of gathering these fugitive pieces togeth- 
er, I sanction the publishing of this volume. Should it appear, 
however, by a sudden absorption of this edition, that the work 
talces, I have another budget in reserve which shall be forthcoming 
in due season. 

Hoping that all who take the trouble to read this book will find 
sometliing therein to please them, I subscribe myself the Reader's 
Humble Servant, 

The Author. 

P. S. Having been *' got up " in haste, several small errors have 
occurred in this work, which the intelligent reader will. perceive,, 
pardon and rectify. 



t • 



^0- 



• \ 



TABLE OF CONTENTS. 



Aunt Brite's Soap Kettle, 
A Bait, 


- 


- Page 9 
137 


A Climax, - - - 


- 


139 


A Clean Sweep, 
A Denouement, 


- 


134 
37 


An Epistle from Newburyport to the Boston Post, - 

U U (( t( 


83 
86 


(( U C( 


C( 


106 


a {( u 


(( 


109 


" Byfield, « 
" South Berwick, 




97 
100 


" Middieton, N. H., 


« 


103 


" North Scituate, 


u 


146 


A Gentle Hint, 
A Lenient Damsel, 


- 


67 
131 


A Portrait, 


- 


45 


A Surprise, _ . - 
A Situation, - - . 


- 


15 
21 


A Sight, 

A Saturday Evening Sketch, 

A "Sell," 


- 


58 
59 
61 


A Slight Mistake, - 
A Squall, 


■■♦ ; 


148 
149 


Cutting it thick. 




71 


Cutting it Fat, or the Parson and the Cheeses, - 


73 


Disappointment and Tears, 


- 


113 



viii TABLE OF CONTENTS. 

Grand " Hop " at the Ocean House, Black Rochs, - 92 

Interesting Associations, - - - - 27 

Mysterious Twaddle, _ . - - 125 

Parson Milton, - - - - - 75 

Scraps from my Sketch Book, - - - - 52 

Spirit Chiro^raphy, - - - - 122 

Spicing it High and Doing it Brown, - - - 136 

Scraps from my Sketch Book, - - - 140 

« " " . . _ - 144 

The Battle of Quaraphegan, - - - 17 

The Confession, - - - - - 112 

The Consummation, - - - - 114 

The Close of the Year, - - - - 151 

The Gem of Moose Mountain, - - - - 43 

The Siarof Witchtrott, . - - - 46 

The Unsung Doxology, - - - - 41 

The Wrong Document, _ . - , 23 

The Dying Fi-herraan, . _ _ 143 

Uncle Ephraim's Husking, - - - - 28 

Whitewashing Extraordmary, . _ _ 55 

Wine Tasting, - . .- . - 92 



HITS AND DASHES: 

OR, 

A MEDLEY OF SKETCHES AND SCRAPS, 



AUNT BRITE'S SOAP KETTLE. 

A LEGEND OF WITCHTROTT. 

'= Double, <3f>iil)le toil and trouble, 
Fire, burn; and cauldron bubble."— M:icbetli. 

'ITCHTROTT, is the appellation of a small 
township, lying on the banks of" a roiiiaiitic 
stream, which empties itself in Quamphegan river, at 
Berwick, Maine. There is a tradition among them, 
that many were the old women of the broomstick 
order, " who l(.\)t the country-side in fear," in days 
gone by; and many are the tales of their exploits. 
Aunt Keziah Brite was a good, peaceable neighbor ; 
one who feared the ministers and deacons, — and 
feared not Avitches, — drank rum, went lo meeting 
regularly, could smoke a pipe, and read in the large 
Bible. She lived in those days when a saint could be 
distinguished from other people, by their actions, 
wilhout being oblii^ed to wear a cockade, as they 



10 HITS AND DASHES. 

inevitably will have to in future, if the age degener- 
ates as much as it has of late ; but to our story : — 
Now this good woman would fain make soap, — is 
almost all economical women are Avont to do. 
Accordingly she set up her leech-tub, got her ket- 
tle mended, looked into the minister's almanack, in 
order to ascertain Avhen the moon would be full, 
bought a quart of Neiv England^ with the proceeds 
of three quarts of v» hortleberries — she dealt large- 
ly in that article, — and Avhen they w^ere about 
to build the new meeting-house, prayed fervently 
that the Lord would cause the berries to grow as big 
as pumpkins, so that she would be the better able to 
contribute towards building lum a handsome house of 
worship. All things being ready, she commenced 
operations. Her composition had been simmering over 
the lire about an hour, when who should come in, 
hut old Mog Sudgskins, an old hag as ugly as Na- 
ture could possibly form her. She heard that Aunt 
Brite had a supply of rum, and brought a gourd-shell, 
which she desired the good woman to fill with the 
Nectar. Aunt Brite loved old Mog as well as his Sa- 
tanic majesty does holy-water, and instead of comply- 
ing with her request, she told her to leave the house, 
as quick as she could conveniently, and never to show 
her ugly face there again. After giving her this gen- 
tle hint, that her room w^as better than hqr company, 
she sat herself down on an inverted half-bushel meas- 
ure, and went to poking the fire vehemently. But 
Mog stood in awful majesty in the centre of the floor. 



11 



rolled up her tremendous eye-balls, and repeated in a 
deep sepulchral tone, these lines : 

" 'Tis tru? ray pliiz is somethintr odd ; 
If you blame me, you blame my God." 

Indignant at being refused the liquor, and having her 
face called ugly, she was determined to be revenged ; 
•' May your soap never come ! " she ejaculated, in a 
liendish whisper. Then, stamping her foot on the 
iloor, and Avaving her skinny finger in the air three 
times, she Avent out, and slammed the door after her so 
hard, that it made the very soap-kettle tremble. . . . 
The sun had long since buried himself in Quam- 
phegan river ; the full moon had just showed her hon- 
est face, which she had a few moments since washed 
m Tacnic pond, and began to play her wild pranks, 
by shuiing through the crevices and broken win- 
dows of the old school-house, casting long, fantastic 
shadows across the uneven road, " makiHs: niijht hid- 
eous," and the timid lover, as he was wending his 
way homeward from a courting expedition, '^ most 
horribly to shake his disposition," when Aunt Brite 
tinished the last drop of rum, and leaning her head 
back against the oven-lid, gave herself up to despair. 
She had toiled all day, and the contents of her kettle 
had not been converted into soap. ... " That 
hour o' night's black arch, the keystone," had now 
arrived ; the lire, which had long since gone down, 
began gradually to brighten up, the ingredients in the 
kettle commenced bubbling, and — 

" Thrice the brindled cat had mew'd, 
Thrice, and once, the hedge-pig whin'd ; ' 



12 HITS AND DASHES. 

when a sprite came headlong down the chimney, and 
after turning a half dozen somersets, sealed himself 
a-straddle the crane, and holding np the tine of a 
pitchfork, waved it; over the kettle, whereupon a score 
of goblins came up from the ash-hole, one after the 
other, like unto the ghosts in Richard, and seated 
themselves around the brim of the kettle, in breathless 
silence, "waiting further orders. Then he waved his 
broken pitchfork again, and the composition began to 
separate. A stream of grease ran out into the fire ; 
another of rosin followed, Avhich blazed up mightily, 
and gave an imposing effect to the spirits, and their 
sovereign, who looked down upon them in awful maj- 
esty. Last, not least, came the ley in a mighty 
stream, which darted across the room with the veloc- 
ity of lightning, and wended its way into the bung- 
hole of a cask of vinegar, which w^as lying in one 
corner of the room ; the acid and alkali commenced 
hostilities at once, and being mingled together, both es- 
caped in a torrent through the aperture, foaming like 
a soda-fountain, and besprinkling the whole apart- 
ment. The magic tine was moved once more ; this 
was a signal for the imps to commence operations 
and at it they went. One of them who resembled Old 
Nick, caught up the gridiron, and using the bars for 
strings, "struck the light guitar''^ for the rest, who 
" reeled and set, and cross'd and cleek it." The 
pigs, who probably Avere descendents of those we read 
of in the good book, were let out of the pen by some 
unseen hand, and joined in the mazy dance ; two 



13 



Tom-cats came in for their share in the sport. The 
wooden trenchers danced a hornpipe on the dressers ; 
the old-fashioaed clock which had always heretofore 
behaved with the utmost propriety, now struck nine 
hundred and ninety-nine times. Chairs and tables flew 
about like mad, — the windows rattled like a dice-box, — 
doors opened and shot alternately, — the house was in 
an uproar. It seemed as if Beelzebub's dragoons had 
been let loose, and had made this house their ren- 
dezvous. The sport had now arrived at its height; 
all the performers were busily engaged, when, of 
a sudden, Adonijah Clabberpin's red-tailed rooster 
screamed his morning hymn, and the leader of this 
devilish squad, like — 

'•■ Some old snoker, seated by the fire, 

Who takes his last whifF ere the flame expire," 

seized the tin horn which hung up beside the door, 
and " blew a blast so loud and dread," as made the 
house shake to the very foundation ; v/hereupon the 
spirits flew back and roosted on the edge of the kettle, 
as before. Their captain then took the two Tom-cats, 
that had just finished a Spanish dance, and hitched 
them to the bale with a skein of yarn which hung in 
the fire-place; that being done, he jumped into the 
kettle, when up the chimney '' the hellish gobhns 
salhed." The pigs then went back to their places, — 
the clock went on regularly, — chairs and tables went 
back to their places, — the trenchers sat upright, as all 
good behaved dishes should ; and all was silent as the 
grave. Next morning Aunt Brile found her kettle in 



14 HITS AND DASHES. 

the cow-yartl, but so bruised and mis-shapen that she 
could never use it again. The old lady has never 
since attempted to make soap Avithout first sending 
Mog a pint of rum, nailing a horse shoe over the fire- 
place, and hanging another on the crane. Now this 
is the truth of the story ; but some of the neighbors, 
Avho are no better than they should be, — evil-minded 
and malicious, not having the fear of witches before 
their eyes, have hinted that — whist! softly! — this 
good woman got drunk ! and fell asleep, when some 
roguish boys went in and threw a pound of gunpow- 
der under the kettle, among the embers, which sent 
the kettle where the old lady found it. It savored 
very strong of gunpowder, but she said it smelt more 
like brimstone ; and as the two articles smell very 
much alike, I have as much reason to believe her story 
as theirs. 

Old Mog lies buried in one corner of Witchtrott 
grave-yard ; a plain slate stone marks her place of 
rest, on which is chiselled, by some rude hand, this 
beautiful couplet, written l)y the village schoolmaster, 
and serves both for her epitaph and elegy : 

" Hore lies Old Mog-iry, let her rest, 
For she to Witchtrott was a i)est." 

She has been buried about thirty years, and has not 
risen yet, and it is not very proballe she ever will rise 
until the archangel winds the last trump. 



A SURPRISE. 15 



A SURPRISE. 

^ERHAPS no class of beings are capable of en- 
joying a frolic like the negroes. They go in for 
fiddling and dancing with a perfect looseness ; and 
their whole soul is bound up in a tamborine. When 
I was a youngster it did my very soul good to see the 
dark inhabitants of modern Guinea put in the ''shuffle 
rigadoon," at the house of the she-pnblican of Guinea. 
'Lection day then, jvas 'lection day, and " nothin' 
else." But what a falling off now. Well may the 
darkies exclaim, " O, temporal O, mores I " 'Twas 
next to impossible to get any work out of the sombre 
sons and daughters of Africa, for a week previous or 
a week after the auspicious day. 

Some forty years since, in the good town of New- 
buryport, lived one PhiUis, a dingy damsel, but a 
good, faithful, and honest servant. Her mistress had 
no occasion to find fault with her from January to 
December, except a week or two prior to 'lection — 
then it seemed as if the very deuce was in Phillis, for 
she would dance, sing, and caper like mad, in antici- 
pation of the eventful day. To remedy this evil, her 
mistress concluded to keep her in the dark till the very 
day arrived, for unless Phillis was told the month she 
never Avould be the wiser, as she " took no note of 
time," save by observations on nature and things. 

Spring had advanced. Phillis heard the dulcet 



16 HITS AND DASHES, 

notes of the feathered songsters. "O, missus, missus, 
'lection's coming." " Not so soon, PhilHs," returned 
her mistress, " but when it comes you shall know." 

The trees had began to blossom. " Now, missy, 
'lection's pretty near, sartin." " Not quite yet," said 
the matron. 

At length the glorious day arrived. Phillis's mis- 
tress thought it best to let her get breakfast and clear 
away the things, then she would give her some coin, 
let her dress herself up in her holiday attire, and send 
her off to the head quarters — Guinea. Already had 
the sons and daughters of Africa assembled toafether. 
The flag was waving in triumph from the chimney- 
top of Dorothy's hotel. Tin-kettles and jugs were 
passing to and fro from the stores where the " balm of 
hfe " Avas wont to be sold, to the huts of Guinea. 
But Phillis wot not of it, for her whereabouts was out 
of the sound of the revelry. But just as our heroine had 
put down the steak to broil, a colored minstrel, dressed 
in gay attire, stopped in front of the house in which 
Phillis was domiciled, and struck up a soul-inspiring 
break-down. The effect was electrical ! Phillis 
dropped the fork — thrcAv the salt into the fire — trod 
on the butter-plate — and made one bound for the 
door, — then screamed to the "top of her bent," "O, 
missus, missus, gor amighty, missus, 'lection has come, 
sure nuf I '^ 

' Twas vain to urge her to break her fast, much less 
to prepare the meal for the family. She could hardly 
be prevailed upon to change her dress ; but her toilet 



THE BATTLE OF QUAMPllEGAN. 17 

was soon arranged, and quicker than a bullet from a 
gun she took a bee-line for Guinea, — there to revel to 
her heart's content, — there to eat 'lection cake, drink 
egg-nogg, and 

" Dance all night till broad day-light, 
And drink gin-sling in the morning." 



THE BATTLE OF QUAMPHEGAN. 

^OW it came to pass in the one thousand eight 

«i hundred and thirty-eighth year of the Christian 
era. 

That Abimelech was chosen commander over the 
soldiers of "Old Fields," which in the vernacular 
tongue is called Berwick. 

Now Abimelech was young, he had not yet been to 
the barber's to have the superfluous down removed 
from his face, — yet, moreover, he began to assume the 
appearance and display the vigor of manhood. 

The sons of " Old Fields," Witchtrott, and Tacnic, 
saw hini and trembled ; the very parson uttered his 
voice and raised his hands at his approach. 

He wentest forth for the safety of the people, and 
when the people saw him they cried aloud ^^ith one 
voice, " Our country is safe ! " 

^ And it came to pass on the twenty- fourth day of 
the ninth month of the eighteen hundred and thirty- 



18 HITS AND DASHES. 

ninth year of the Christian era, and the sixty-third 
year of our national independence, that the several 
companies of Quamphegan and Tacnic, and round 
about the margin of Quamphegan river, assembled 
together at the training field which lieth in Quam- 
phegan, 

To show themselves with their equipments to the 
general officers and the smiling daughters of Quam- 
phegan and Witchtrott and Sligo. 

As soo|^ as the several companies were all as- 
sembled, the officers chosen for that purpose delivered 
unto each man his rations, consisting of two flat cakes, 
in 'the vernacular called gingerbread, and filled their 
canteens with hard cider, which being interpreted 
signifieth fermented juice of the apple. 

Now of Abimelech's company, twenty strong men 
bore muskets, and ten bore pitchforks and rails, and 
all these were mighty men of valor. 

Moreover, there were assembled two other compa- 
nies from the towns round about Quamphegan, and 
Abimelech found favor in their eyes. 

Now it came to pass at eventide, when the several 
companies were dismissed, that the Quamphegans and 
the Tearshirtites and the Bonnie-Bigites, having drank 
deep of the hard cider, waxed quarrelsome, and were 
rife for a fight. 

Therefore they commenced battle by throwing the 
remnants of their dinners, and the viands which were 
vended from the tables round about the field, at one 
another. 



THE BATTLE OF QUAMPHEGAN. 19 

And Abimelech was struck upon the head with a 
bean-pot ; moreover, his face, which was but a few 
moments before covered with glory, was now be- 
smeared with a " yellow trembler," which in the 
native language signifies an Indian pudding. 

]Now Abimelech's second officer, even the lieuten- 
ant, was struck upon the unmentionables, with a 
■ pumpkin pie, even upon the seat thereof. 

Then Abimelech's wrath was k.ndled, his ire Avas 
up: "Ye men of 'Old Fields,' Tacnic, and Witch- 
trott ! will ye stand this, and see your leaders covered 
with pudding, pumpkin pie, and dishonor 

" Arise, I say unto you, avenge my wrongs, and I 
will mak(j you mighty.men, even like unto myself." 

After they had spoken these words, they all arose of 
one accord, and ''let in" upon their enemies. 

And the air was filled with fragments of ginger- 
bread, pies, cakes, brick-bats, and many other things 
which are not written in the history of this battle ; and 
the baked beans were strewed around in abundance. 

And the battle waxed hotter and hotter, inasmuch 
as the soldiers loaded their muskets, and fired upon 
one another, albeit they left out the bullets of lead. 

Nevertheless their enemies were not dismayed, and 
brick-bats, and clubs, and stones, were thrown with 
much violence amid the fire and smoke. 

IIow the battle Avould have ended, nobody could 
have told, had not a part of the strong men of Witch- 
trott laid in ambush, and attacked the Quanipheganers 
• in the rear. 



20 HITS AND DASHES. 

Now the Quampheganers wist not that there was 
any one laid in ambush against ihein. 

So whilst they were rushing upon the enemy, the 
men who Avere in ambush rushed upon them and 
defeated them. 

Then the Quampheganers took to their heels for 
home ; and they left behind them great spoils, which 
the "Old Fieldites," and Witchtrotters, and Tacnicers 
claimed. 

And of the spoils, more than twenty baskets fall of 
pies, and cakes, and " yellow tremblers," were carried 
into "Old Fields," Tacnic,and Witchtrott, in triumph. 

Now there was great rejoicing in "Old Fields," 
and Tacnic, and Witchtrott ; . 

And they lighted dipped candles, and sticked them 
into turnip and potatoe candlesticks, and illuminated 
their dwellings therewith. 

And the hearts of the people were made glad by 
divers and sundry libations of blackstrap ; and fiddling 
and dancing were in abundance. 

But the Quampheganers were sorrowful and of 
heavy heart, for her proud sons were humbled, her 
bright escutcheon tarnished, and her brilliant deeds 
outshone. 



A SITUATION. 21 



A SITUATION. 



Kf IHERE must always be a first time to everything 
TO) under the blessed sun. I have often thought of 
the heart-beatings attendant upon the first appearance 
of the actor, the clergyman, and the barrister. But 
compared with the experience I am about to relate, 
theirs is " nothing to the show." 

The winter I was fifteen, and full of blue veins, I 
made a visit to a country town. One day the good 
lady of the house where I sojourned, took a notion of 
visiting her parents at a neighboring village, and in- 
vited me to go with her to drive. 'Twas excellent 
sleighing, and being a pretty good Jehu, I '' put her 
over the road" in good style and time. There was 
a buxom, bouncing lassie where we stopped — a rela- 
tive of the lady that came with me — who by her invi- 
tation agreed to return with us. I brought the team 
up to the door in ^ood shape, Avaited upon the ladies 
into the " cutter," then jumped in myself, and stand- 
ing in the middle of the sleigh, gave a flourish with 
the whip. We were off in a twinkling, at nearly 2.40 
speed. Did n't I feel grand ? 

" Why don't you sit down ? " exclaimed the good 
woman to me, .after we had got well under way. 
'Twas the last thing I thought of. Sit down, for- 
sooth ! — and where ? thousrht I. " I had rather 

o 

stand," replied I, modestly. " But you had better 



22 « HITS AND DASHES. 

sit," urged the damsel. I looked around, colored a 
little, and still declined. I heard a whispering some- 
lhino[ about beinsj bashful. A trifle more crimson 
came over my countenance, but I still drove on. I 
was just getting my natural color again, and was feel- 
ing pretty comfortable, when, of a sudden, I felt the 
arms of the damsel encircling my waist, and in a mo- 
ment I was draAvn plump into her lap ! '' There," 
exclaimed the mischievous witch, " sit here upon my 
knees — I wont't hrtrt you." 

Every drop of blood within me, methought, then 
rushecl into my face ; I would have given the world 
to be free, but 'twas of no avail ; the maiden held me 
fast — 

" That desperate grasp my frame might feel, 
Through bars of brass and triple steel 1 " 

The veins of my face were now swelled '• almost to 
bursting ; " never did martyr suflfer more intensely. 
The spirited horse needed not the " braid," but he got 
it, I reckon. On, on w^e flew, with "telegraphic" 
speed ; the sparks of fire flew in showers thick and 
fast from the shoes of the '^ cutter," as we occasion- 
ally shd over a piece of bare ground. 

" Now do thy utmost, speedy Meg 1 " 

muttered I, mentally, as I gave the " critter " the last 
^' hck," and in a few moments we were at our jour- 
ney's end, and I was out of my misery. 
P. S. I'm not taken that way now ' 



THE WRONG DOCUMENT. 23 



THE WRONG DOCUMENT. 

gOME years since, a celebrated representative to 
^^ Congress, from Essex county, who resided in 
Newburyport, promised a neighbor, who followed the 
honorable calling of truckman, that he would send 
him one of his speeches. Lebanon, for that was the 
truckman's sobriquet^ was amazingly elated at the idea 
of receiving a document from Congress. He heralded 
it forth to all his cronies. Expectation was clear up ; 
all were impatient to see the " concern," though some 
pretended to doubt his getting it. Among the doubt- 
ful was a grocer, who annoyed our hero often as he 
met him, on his assurance of expecting documents 
from Congress. One bright morning, Lebanon awoke 
from his dreams, told his wife he felt sure the package 
would come that day, for he felt it — he felt it in his 
head — he felt it in his bones — he felt it all over I 
He went about his business, however, but many w^ere 
the mistakes he made that day. At length, in coming 
up State street, he espied the mail stage ! it never 
seemed to roll so swift, so majestic, before ! On, on 
it thundered — the wheels rattled sweet music to his 
ravished ears — every spoke and felloe seemed alive ! 
He clapped his hands with joy, and exclaimed — 

" Fly swift around, ye shining wheels, 
And bring that speech this way." 

The mail was soon landed at the post office. After 



24 HITS AND DASHES. 

waiting awhile, with breathless anxiety, the long- 
wished-for package was put into Lebanon's brawney 
hands. 

See the mother when she clasps for the first time 
her first child I See the urchin when he comes in 
possession of his first top I Then you '11 see our hero 
with his document. He ran — he flew — 

*' Up State street — down Inn street, 
By Tom Bircher's cellar I " 

and brought up all standing, for the first halt, at the 
grocer's. 

" T-h-e-r-e I There! " exclaimed Lebanon, almost 
out of breath; ''there is the document — signed, 
sealed and delivered ; — now I guess you believe it. 
But just please put it in your desk for a few moments 
while I put my horse up ; I '11 be back directly for it." 

The grocer took the treasure, and Lebanon van- 
ished. Soon as our hero's back was turned, a strange 
freak entered the grocer-man's noddle, who, by the 
way, was a bit of a wag. He removed the wrapper 
carefully, took out the document, and substituted a 
copy of McDowall's Journal in its stead. He had 
scarcely finished when Lebanon returned, took the 
package, and made for home ; told his wife to light a 
fire in the parlor, and he would go and invite his 
friends to spend the evening with him, and hear the 
speech read. As soon as the tea things were cleared 
away, Lebanon and his better-half repaired to the 
parlor, to await the gathering. After the company 
were all assembled, Lebanon took out the document. 



THK WRONG DOCUMENT. 25 

and after clearing his throat, he snuffed the candle, 
and commenced reading, thus : 

''It is computed that there are no less than three 
hundred houses of questionable reputation in this city, 
and—" 

" That is n't Mr. Cashing's speech," exclaimed the 
good wife. 

" Silence !" ejaculated our hero, and went on . 

" And from three to four thousand females who do 
not walk strictly in the paths of virtue. With these 
startling facts before us, who among the virtuous and 
upright, that certainly must shudder at these facts, but 
will lay hold and lend a helping hand to this great — " 

"Well, if that's Mr, Cushing's speech, I don't 
want to hear any more of it," again spoke out the 
good woman, who then took up a book and com- 
menced reading to herself. 

" Don't interrupt me again," said our hero, and 
then went on; but the more he read, the more he was 
bewildered; — at last, by the more sober judgment of 
his friends — and he himself began to Ijok about a little 
— he came to the conclusion that he had bteu hoaxed, 
and, as nobody but the grocer had had the package, 
he was the transgressor. 

After making his company pronise to wait his 
return, he Avent to the stable, took out his horse, 
mounted him in a twinkling, and armed with a big 
cart-whip, started for the grocery, without saddle 
op- bridle, guiding his animal by the haher. When 
he arrived, the shop was closed for the night. Noth- 
3 



26 HITS AND DASHES. 

ing daunted, he repaired to the delinquent's domicil. 
Rap — rap — thump — bang I went the haft of the whip 
against the door, which soon brought out the grocer. 
With fire in eye and whip in hand, our hero demanded 
the document. The grocer owned up, and asked him 
if it was'nt a good joke. 

*' We '11 talk about that in the morning I " thun- 
dered forth Lebanon, — " but I must have the document 
to-night." 

It was at the store — he could have it in the morn- 
ing ; but nothing else would answer for Lebanon, but 
he must go for it then. At length the Simon-pure 
was in the possession of our hero ; he galloped back 
to his friends, who were still waiting his return. The 
speech was read, and relished hugely by his admiring 
audience, and McDowall's Journal was committed to 
the flames. Next morning a bundle of the best tea 
and a nice loaf of sugar from the grocer's healed the 
breach between him and Lebanon. 



INTKRESriNG ASSOCIATIONS. 27 



INTERESTING ASSOCIATIONS. 

O W much the charm of some localities consists 
in their associations I On the borders ot Maine 
and New Hampshire, hes some of the finest scenery 
in the world. It was always my deHght to journey 
through that region. Chancing at a friend's house at 
Lebanon, Maine, some years since, the conversation 
turned on the scenery in that county, — when the 
daughter of mine host, a pretty little unsophisticated 
girl of sixteen, broke in upon us with the inquiry, 
addressed to me, " Have you seen Sanford Corner, 
sir?" I confessed I had not. "Then,"' added she, 
"let me tell you that it is just the loveliest spot in all 
creation. I never saw such beautiful scenery. I 
never enjoyed myself half so well at any other place. 
O, I could live there forever ! " 

A short time afterwards, on a journey to the White 
Mountains, I noticed a guide-board at the fork of a 
road, bearing the soul-stirring intelligence that we 
were but four miles to Sanford Corner ! As good 
luck would have it, our coach Avas going that very 
road. Now, quoth I to myself, I'm bound to see the 
** lovi.'liest spot in all creation I" The sluggish coach 
was too 5;li)w for my imagination. Already liad my 
fancy pictured rural scenes, forest-trees, purling 
streams meand^'ring through picturesque banks, silver 



'SB HITS AND DASHES. 

cascades, and — but ere I had got half through with 
my landscape, we were set down at Sanford Corner. 

I looked eagerly about me for the proftf of what I 
had heard, but in vain. Alas ! it was all barren — a 
very ordinary place, and void of any one feature of the 
rural or picturesque. Of course I felt disappointed. 

A short time afterwards I was again in the domicil 
of my old friend at Lebanon. So, my httle maid, 
said I to the damsel who had colored up the " cor- 
ner," I have seen what you were pleased to term the 
*' loveliest spot in all creation," but I must confess 
I could see no beauty in the making up of the place ; 
how comes it you should be so delighted with so bar- 
ren a spot ? But ere the girl could speak for herself, 
her little sister unravelLd the mystery, — " Sophia'' s 
beau lives there ! " 



UNCLE EPHRABPS HUSKING. 

LARGE stack of Indian Maize — dead ripe — 
stood in the middle of Uncle Ephraim Hus- 
sey's threshing floor, at Lebanon, ready to be husked 
out. Bobby had started off, bright and early, upon 
the six-year-old colt, to give out invitations for the 
husking frolic, to come off that evening. Uncle 
Ephe had gone to the " Falls" with the old nag and 
wagon, to get some *' sugar and things;" besides, 



29 



to have the rundlet filled at Deacon Pratt's, with 
" o-be-joyful I " For who in " nater " would think 
of getting up a husking — if they were" temperance" 

— without these " fixings ? " Thankful and Mercy, 
his two daughters, were up to their elbows in baking 

— and his good uife was as busy as a bee, overlooking 
operations, and putting things to rights. 

Bobby had just returned. " Well, gals," said he, 
^' I'vegi'n out ail your invites, besides a few more on 
my own hook. I've axed Sake Midget, Nance 
Downer and her feller, Bets Muzzey, Polly Widgen, 
the two Pressy gals, Phebe Mullen and her sister, 
wiih her filler, and the gal from Milton, that's 
visiting there ; — ■ two or three more I can't stop to 
think on, besides the fellers, — Tom Tracy, Bill 
Diggory, Isaiah Corson, Joel Pillsbury, and a hull lot 
more of the chaps that live down by tlie ])lains ; and 
last, not least, Charley Stevens is coming, sure ; and I 
forgot to say, Amos Bunker says he will come with 
his fiddle !" 

Evening came, and the company begnn to assem- 
ble. They seated themselves around the pile of corn, 
and commenced operations. Not much said at first, 
for they saw there was v/ork to be done ; and, bcvsides, 
ihey had not got warm yet, as Uncle Ephraim ob- 
served ; but, one of the youngsters getting a red ear 
it " opened the ball." lie was, of course, according 
to the rules of all huskings, entitled to a kiss all 
round ; and at it he went, — commencing at the girl 
next him, and following it up until he came to 



30 HITS AND DASHES. 

her from Milton, ^vho vowed and declared she 
wouldn't be kissed, that night — she knew; bat the 
obs^tinate maiden was obliged to surrender, — for, after 
scratel]ini2: the vouth on his nose, and bilins: his hand, 
she came off finally with such a shower of hearty 
smacks from him, that her cheeks were fairly blistered 
— which operated as a warning to all refractory dam- 
sels, should any others chance to be there. 

Things now went on '• slick as ile," as Uncle Ephe 
said, — no trouble among the girls when a red ear 
was announced ; on the contrary, they seemed to 
relish it hugely; and the Alilton girl had not, now, the 
least objection to be saluted, provided they did it upon 
her lips — for she declared her cheeks felt very sore! 
Quite a heap of the golden grain was now husked 
out, and thi^ jolly proprietor thought it about time to 
tap the good stult. A bucket of black-strap was 
quickly fixed uj) and handed round tn the " men- 
folks," — and mugs of sweetened cider to the women ; 
fun and frolic tlien commenced in good earnest. 

Charley Stevens was called up for a ttory, which 
he did up in hi« inimilable style, setting the whole cir- 
cle in a roar Tom Tracy and his girl were next up- 
roariously called f )r, to do up a song tog< ther, and 
they tuned their voices right mcMrily to the ballad 
of" Two Unfortunate Lovyers,'' pouriii r forth the 
rich melody, in shrill nasal tones, " long drawn out,'' 
accompanied by Amos Bunker's Violin. 

Ujjcle Ephraim was next on the docket ; ho must tell 
bis famous Witch Story ; so after a brimful tin dipper 



UNCLE EPHRAIm's HUSKING. 31 

of the precious liquid from the bucket, — not the " old 
oaken," — he hemmed, took out his quid of tobacco, 
and thus began : — 

THE WITCH OF LEBANON PLAINS. 

** I han't a doubt but some on ye here will dispute 
this 'ere story, but I tell you, 'tis true as preaching, 
nevertheless. You see, about twenty years ago, we 
had a witch about this neigliborhood, that is, I called 
her a witch and most of the neighbors did, although 
some wouldn't admit it ; but I only wish the doubtful 
ones could have gone through what I did, one night. 
I guess as how they would have come to the conclu- 
sion, that the old sarpent, or some evil speret or other, 
was round about these premises ! 

This old hag — they called her Aunt Spudgins — 
called at our house one day, and wanted her snuffbox 
filled with yaller snuff; we had filled it for her two or 
three times, for notliing, and this time I told her she 
had better go and buy it herself, as we couldn't affbrd 
to find her in snuff for nothing, always. Such a look 
as she gin me, then, no mortal man never seed, I'll be 
bound ; then, muttering something between her teeth, 
she started off in a huff. We thought no more on't 
at that time, so nothing more was said, than that we 
were glad to get rid of the old critter. 

The next day, I had to go to Dover with my team 
to haul a load of wood dowi.- , and bring a load of no- 
tions up, for Mr. Cowell our trader at the " corner," 
then. Wal, you all on ye know that speret, them 



32 HITS AND DASHES. 

days, was a staple article ; a man couldn't keep store 
without it ; and many is the good pious deacon, wha 
has made a snug little fortin by dealin in the article ; 
but never mind that, it is nothing to do with my story 
now ; all I wanted to say about the spirit was that it 
was part of my load home that night. 

I got my load all on, and after a good hearty swig 
of old W. I. at the store where I got my notions, I 
started off, — the storekeeper, as was his custom, pre- 
senting me with a pint bottle of the " stuff" to last me 
home. 

I had been eating salt-fish and crackers at the store 
for a lunch, just before I started, and by the time I 
got to the " Falls," wasn't I dry ? I look a swig 
from the "pistol," and jogged on, happy as a clam, 
but my thirst wasn't quinched a bit ; I took another, 
and another, but my throat was dry as a lime kiln, or 
as a country minister's sermons ! 

By the time I had got to the edge of the plains, 
every drop was gone from the " pistol," and yet my 
burning thirst was not quenched. I didn't dare to 
drink cold water, for it always gin me the gripes ; but 
drink something I must, and as the speret didn't taste 
bad, I seemed to have a I'ancy for that. I happened 
to have a gimlet in the little box on front of the carl, 
so I stopped the team, and soon made a hole in the 
top of a cask of the ''stuff," into which I inserted a 
straw, and putting my lips to it, commenced opera- 
tions ; I thought at the time, of the words of the old 
soaker, " if my mother had given such suck as this, I 
never Avould have been weaned ! " 



UNCLE EPHRAIM S HUSKING. 



3S 



How long I was at the spiggot, I can't tell; the 
first I knowed, I had a bit stuck into my mouth, and 
the bridle buckled on to my head, quicker than a 
flash, by the old hag to whom I refused the snuff, and 
who seemed to drop upon me as if from the clouds. 

" I'll teach ye better than to treat me ill again I '* 
exclaimed the old beldame, as she seized the bridle, 
and snatching up my goad-stick, she sprang u))on my 
shoulder, standing on her feet, then giv-ng me two or 
three smart pricks in my side, started me off on a 
clean run. 

Away we went, she pricking and goading me on. 
I never ran so fast before, — it seemed as if I could 
never stop. On, onward we sped, over Pine Hill, 
past Blackberry Hill mecling-house, down through 
Witchtrolt, and as the varses in my old school book, 
says : — 

" Wild as the wind o'er meadows we flew ! " 

round back of old York, then, — smack we brought 
up all standing, as the sailors say, right agin the east 
side of Agamenticus! 

Whew ! Didn't I puff and blow some ! I had 
scarce time to get my breath comfortably, before 
the old hag, who had stuck to my shoulders all this 
while, turned me about, and giving me three or four 
smart goads under my ribs, sent me agoin' the same 
epeed back the road we came. 

We soon arrived at the place from which we start- 
ed, where my cattle stood waiting. The old hag then 
Stripped off the bridle, and taking a handful of snufF 



34 HITS AND DASHES. 

from her pocket — the real yaller — she threw it in my 
face, and in an instant was off, flying in the direction 
of her hovel, astride a birch broom ! 

I then crawled on, sneezing, to my load, as best I 
could, but so overcome by the journey I had per- 
formeil, was unable to drive my team ; so 1 laid my 
head upon a keg on my load, and soon fell asleep. 

'Twas broad daylight when I awoke, sneezing. 1 
had taken a snufF keg for a pillow ; a few grains had 
been forced through the cracks, on the journey, which 
tickled my nose and aroused me. I started the team 
along, but I could hardly stand or walk, — the terri- 
ble siege I had been through ihat night, had used me 
up ; I felt like one who had been pelted, pounded and 
parboiled I 'Twas a good month before I got fairly 
over it. 

There, neighbors, you have the story as it is ; but 
my wife and the unbelievers, will tell you, perhaps, 
that the hull upshot of the affair is, I got fuddled, and 
when I went asleep on my team, dreamed all this ere; 
but I tell ye that my story is gospel truth." 

The old codger had just finished his tale, when sup- 
per was announced, and all the company then made 
one grand rush for the kitchen, where they found the 
tables loaded with good cheer. 

They had just got comfortably seated, however, 
when it w^as ascertained that Isaiah Corson and the 
Mill on girl were among the missing. A delegation of 
three with a lantern were sent in search of the absen- 
tees. After a few moments' search, the little minx 



UNCLE EPIIRAIM'S HUSKING. 35 

who was so loth to be kissed at the first of the evening, 
was found, fast asleep, behind a pile of husks, in Isaiah 
Corson's lap, who looked as silly as a fool when they 
came upon him ; and didn't the girl color up as soon 
as she opened her eyes ? 

The two lovers refused at first to go in at supper, 
but after some coaxing, they made their appearance ; 
and in a short time, the two lardy ones were as blithe 
as the rest. 

As to the supper ; if any one went home hungry 
that night, it was their own fault, — for the tables seemed 
to groan under their load. None o[ your city or town 
mushroom, mock gentility there. None of the dis- 
gusting, cold formalities of a sickly, sentimental, weak, 
wishy-washy village, meagre, mock-aristocratic soiree ! 
I'd rather have a dry crust for my su))per, and eat it 
alor.e, on a winter's night, upon Agamenticus' shaggy 
top, than to attend one of these hollow, vain and pom- 
paus levees, where there is more sentiment than beef, 
and more politeness than pudding ! 

Uncle Ephraim's tables showed a goodly array of 
the solids that night. A gigantic round of beef in the 
centre, flanked up on either side \x'\\\\ vegetables. A. 
bouncing junk of corned-beef at one end, and a big 
ehicken-pie at the other. An Indian pudding of am- 
ple dimensions stood forth between the middle and end 
dishes, and a giant pot of beans loomed up on the 
other side , whilst pumpkin pies, apple sauce, and a 
host of other " fixings," filled up the spaces. Last, not 
least, good cider was there in abundance ! 



36 HITS AND DASHES. 

*' Lay hold, and help yourselves, gals ; make a long 
arm," said the good wife, " and let the men folks take 
keer of themselves. If any on ye likes turnips squat 
and buttered, squat and butter 'em 1o suit your- 
selves." 

The guests seemed to do ample justice to the vi- 
ands; mirth and festivity reigned around the board; 
jokes, witticisms and flashes of fun, would occasion- 
ally " set the table in a roar." Ail appeared deter- 
mined to enjoy themselves at the " top of their 
bent." 

As soon as supper was over, all the girls lent a 
hand, and the table was cleared away in a jiffy. 
Blindman's buff was then hitroduced ; the company 
now was uproarous I 

Dancinsc was the next consideration. Amos Banker 
screwed up his viol, rosined the bow, and "did up" the 
toe and heel inspiring notes of Flasher's Hornpipe ; 
whilst a number of the j)arty who were somewhat skilled 
in tlie Terpsichorean art, put in the " double shuffle 
rigadoon.^' Preseiuly the lookers-on caught the 
enthusiasm, and the whole company, old and young, 
adepts and novices, took the floor, and did their ut- 
most : 

*' 'Tv.'as rio-ht and left, and down oiilside, six round and back to back ; 
Harum-scarnm, hcller-skflter, bu.np together, whack ! " 

And thus Uncle Ephraim's husking kept up, till the 
old clock, which stood in one corner of ;he kitchen, 



A DENOUiMENT. 37 

beat out the dozen, then broke up this jolly gather- 



And fair lips breathed forth prayers that night 
Whose hearts were with the merry tlirong ; 
And dreams stole o'er the sleeping wight, 
Of bright eyes, red ears, dance and song ! " 



A BENOUMENT. 

5WIGHT had spread its ebon wings over the quiet 
^^y^ settlement of Newburyport. 

A son of Festus, whose chief calling was that of a 
victualler, had washed his dishes, stew-pans, and other 
cuUnary utensils, and stowed them away for the night. 
Then, after a hearty swig at the cider tap, and a whifF 
or two at a Dutch pipe, he took up the " brisk, awak- 
ing," and began to pour forth his soul in its " sweet, 
entrancing notes." 

'' Old Hundred," '' Zip Coon," " Arnheim," " Down- 
fall of Paris," and divers other famihar airs, both old 
and new, had he gone through with, much to his 
satisfaction, and Avas now deeply engaged with " Near 
the lake where grew the willow," when a brace of 
precious scamps, who had no music in their souls, 
and who were moved only to mischief by the " con- 
cord of sweet sounds," chanced to prowl along 
that way. Reeking from the tavern, " tilled with 



38 HITS AND DASHES. 

whiskey, and with gin inspired," which set mischief 
awork in their wicked nocidles, they looked about 
them to see if any one was near ; then seizing a 
mighty grindstone which chanced to set against a 
neighboring store, they rolled it to the edge of the 
upper step of the cellar where our hero was pouring 
forth his rich melody. Just as he was doing the finest 
low notes of " Long time ago," in " lengthened svveet- 
ness, long drawn out," not dreaming of any auditor, 
save his old Tabby, who sat by him on an old stool, 
purring satisfaction — lo ! the gigantic stone came 
tnmbhng down, making sad havoc in its path among 
the " fixins '^ of the estabhshment, and bringing up 
against the board partition with such a mighty, rat- 
thng crashing sound, as if it would 

" Mock the deep-mouthed thunder ! '' 

To draw our hero's portrait, at this crisis, is beyond 
the power of my pen. Suffice to say, he threw his 
viol high against the ceiling — then, v/ith bow in hand, 
stood " wonder-struck I "... , 

His smashed instrument is even now hanging up in 
a remote corner of his cellar, and many a customer is 
regaled with the history of its mishap — some of whom 
laugh, while others, more used to the melting mood^ 
sympathize with the unfortunate owner, and swear 'tis 
pitiful ! 

Had I my way with the miscreants who did the 
mischief, they should share the fate of Sysiphus. For 
I'd chain the rascals naki'd to the s^^lf-sanie stone, and 
when they had draggedit to the top of the steps, it 



A DENOUEMENT, 



39 



should be rolled back — so their daily labor should be 
in raising that Scotia disc from the chasm into which 
they had rolled it ! 



4 SECOND, BUT NOT SO VERY SOBER A 
THOUGHT. 

^ CERTAIN gentleman of a certain village lost 
^^fe his wife by death : he mourned mnch at her de- 
mise, as all good husbands are in duty bound to. 
Not having any relative near, one of his neighbors — 
a jolly good fellow — walked with the widower to the 
grave. After the ceremonies were gone through with, 
and the procession was returning homeward, the kind 
neighbor sympathized with the bereaved husband, and 
told him he muot not give way too much to grief, for 
it would break him down, — and he hoped to see him 
cheer up and be happy again, as tears would not re- 
gain his loss, and were of no aval!. " Alas I " sobbed 
out the mourner, " earth has no longer any- happiness 
for poor me. What is life ? what is this whole world 
to a man who has lost such a w;fe ? " 

" You have ever done your Avhole duty towards 
her," said )he other, — treated her kindly and indul- 
gently. Your wife can neve; come bac c to you, mourn 
you never so much ; so all you iiave to do is to seek 
out another to cheer your way along the rough paths 



40 HITS AND DASHES. 

of life. There is the kmd, amiable and pretty little 
buxom widow Cosey, — she would make your home 
happy, — I know you would like her, and I am quite 
sure she would be willing." *' My dear friend," re- 
plied the wifeless man — his eyes full of tears — *' do 
not, I beseech you, speak of such a thing — my loss is 
irreparable." 

The mourner invited all his friends who attended 
the funeral to sup with him that night, according to 
the usual custom of the place on such occasions. As 
the party was retiring, the widower urged his neighbor 
to stay with him till bed-time, as he felt so very lonely. 
A bottle of choice wine was brought out, which the 
two friends discussed — then another was broached 
and finished. Finally, the neighbor arose and took 
his departure. He had not proceeded many yards 
when the man of grief and bereavement hailed him to 
come back, as he had a word to say to him. Then, 
placing his lips to his friend's ear, he whispered — 
" Neighbor, I think noiu that I could bear to hear that 
lady's name mentioned ! " 



THE UNSUNG DOXOLOGY. 41 



THE UNSUNG DOXOLOGY. 

N item from a religious paper tells us that the 
?^ Presbyterians of a certain town not a thousand 
miles from Exeter, N. H., have voted that the Unita- 
rians are Christians. Good ! — there's one more*hitch 
towards the milleneum. But if the truth was told, 
these people could not well do otherwise, for they had 
been listening to liberal doctrines a long time without 
knowing it. " I'll tell the tale as it was told to me," not 
vouching for the strict truth thereof. Several years 
since, the Orthodox Society in that certain town was 
without a pastor ; a letter from one of the most influ- 
ential leaders, i. e., the richest man of the church, was 
received by a Unitarian clergyman of a far distant 
town or city, inviting him to come and settle among 
them, and preach the gospel unto them. But, wrote 
the astonished Socinian, my creed differs essentially 
from that of yours. " Nit importe,^^ returned the liberal 
prop of Presbyterianism, " draw it mild — keep it to 
yourself that you are a Unitarian — and I'll warrant 
you." 

In a short time the preliminaries were arranged, 
and the Socinian was duly ordained over the Presby- 
terians. He v/as a gentleman and a scholar, — kind 
and affable ; his sermons were richly laden with the 
unbounded love of God to man^ and " done up " in 
that quiet and yet flowery style, as none but those of 
4 



4i HITS AND DASHES. 

his brotherhood can do. He took. His praise went 
abroad throughout the laud. He was invited hither 
and thiiher to pour out his rich ofi'erings to the hungry 
souls, who, till then, never knew that there was a lux- 
ury in religion. And — 

"Leading them prisoners in a red-rose chain,'' 

his flock were of the most liberal belief before they 
were aware of it. 

But, like unto the elderly rat in the fable, who 
thought that the ivhole heap was not meal, when gri- 
malkin lay in ambush within the meal-tub — one old 
preacher-man residing in a neighboring town — and 
of the ancient school of Presbyterianism — Simon 
Pure — dyed in the wool — thought he would ex- 
change with the new comer, and give the liberals the 
doctrine of divinity, as he understood it — "in good 
set terms." And he did it. Shades of John Calvin 
and Martin Luther ! How the old champion scat- 
tered the fire-brands! — now here — now there — 
sending 

" One to heaven and ten to hell ! " 

As he grew bolder and bolder, the audience began to 
show symptoms of uneasiness, — two women fainted 
outright — and one nervous young lady went into hys- 
terics ; but, nothing daunted, the old apostle " put it 
through." At times 'twas unbearable, — then would 
some of the men, not having the fear of such dogmas 
before their eyes, set to shuffling with their feet — 
cough and hem, all to signify their disapproval. At 



THK GEM OF MOOSE MOUNTAIN. 43 

length and at last the long looked and wished for, and 
most welcome amen Avas pronounced, — and the 
staunch old pillar of Orthodoxy, to wind up his per- 
formance with a round turn, opened '' Dr. Watts," 
and read one of the old Trinitarian doxologios. The 
audience stood up, but all was hush and still. Not a 
sound from the choir. The parson arose and remark- 
ed that he had read a stanza, and was awaiting its 
singing. Thereupon the organist got up and ad- 
dressed the preacher thus: — " Parson W., let me tell 
you that this new organ of ours has never been tuned 
to those doxoiogies I " 



THE OEM OF MOOSE MOUNTAIN. 

pOLLOWING along from crag to cliff', in order 
to catch a new view of the magnificent scene 
spread out below me, as I trod the summit of Moose 
Mountain, N. H., my eye caught a glimpse of a fe- 
male figure, at a liiile distance, Avho seemed to be 
busy in gaihcrjng berries, in which this eminence 
aboundeth. As I approached nearer, I saw that she 
was of no ordinary mould : — 

" Tippr as candles laid at Cuthbert's shrine, 
Tap'r :i3 Silver chalices for wine, — 
Suoh were h(?r arms and form ! " 



44 HITS AND DASHES. 

" Good morrow, damsel," I said, as I stood before 
her ; with a w^inning nod, and one of the sweetest 
smiles she acknowledged the salutation. Juno ! what 
a set of features ! Psyche ! what an expression ! 
Her whole soul illumined that heavenly face, — 

" That eye, Love's arrows darting round, — 
That cheek now blushing at the wound ! '' 

" What success in gathering berries to-day ? " I 
queried of the fair stranger. 

She turned her steps towards a shady nook and 
beckoned me to follow. She looked like a fairy — a 
mountain nymph — as indeed she was, as she tripped 
along — 



Her p-olden hair 



Floating and dancing in the mountain air ! '' 

Anon the breeze would disturb her 'kerchief — and 
such a neck ! By the pure and immaculate crescent 
of Diana ! a flake of new fallen snow would have tar- 
nished it ! I stood rivetted — 

" With heart all rapture, and with eye all light ! " 

as the maiden drew forth from the bushes a goodly 
sized willow basket, and removing the nice white 
towel which covered the luscious berries, she looked 
up in my face, then with a smile that would outvie an 
angel's, she exclaimed — " aint there a darned slue on 



A PORTRAIT. 45 



A PORTRAIT. 

3" MET the queen of snufT-takers in the street ycs- 
^> terclavj and wished very much that every begin- 
ner in that filthy habit could have seen her likewise. 
She was the very embodiment, the very quintessence 
ofsnufF! A walking snuff-bladder I She looked as 
if she had been snuffing, snuffing, and snuffing, till 
every vein in her dried-up carcass was fall to reple- 
tion. Yes, every pore in her shrivelled skin was 
loaded, crammed, rammed, jammed with the dirty 
powder, till it could hold no more ! Then, at ihe ex- 
treme point of her sharp pointed nose hung, trem- 
blingly, a drop ! — not a dew drop, but such a drop ! 
The strength and substance of more that ten pounds 
avoirdupois, of Macaboy, was concentrated in that 
dreadful drop ! The odor thereof impregnated the 
air of the whole neighborhood round about her, so that 
two dozen men, women and children fell to sneezing 
thereat ! Yea, verily, the very cats and dogs caught 
the tilillation — one old towser lost two teeth and one 
eye during the operation, besides getting a kink out 
of his tail ; and two tabbies sneezed off both their 
ears! — That drop! I verily believe, would tincture 
the whole waters of Massachusetts Bav ! 



46 HITS AND DASHES. 



THE STAR OF WITCHTROTT. 

" Near the pond so still and lazy, 
Long time ago — 

On the banks where grew the daisy- 
Whiter than snow, 

Lived a bouncing, buxom lassie, 
Vat vas n't so slow I " 

HE sun was about putting on his night-cap. in 
the shape of a purple cloud, which hung over 
the purple hills of Lebanon ; Simeon Hartford had 
just shut down the mill-gate, — Samuel Wentworlh was 
shutting up shop, — Peleg Jenkins had gone after the 
oows, — the weathercock on old Somersworth " meetin' 
•us" was glowing wuh an extra lustre, — and Tacnic 
Pond was all of a blaze ! In plain English, 'twas 
sunset, or thereabouts, when Ezekiel Tugglesworth 
came home from ploughing, — put some water down 
to the fire in a skillet, for shaving, — and called his 
mother to get him his best shirt. 

" Where upon airth be you goin' to-night, Zeke ? 
Hope you aint goin down to Witch irott, to see that 
flirt of a Suke Huldrith, be ye ? " exclaimed Ezek's 
mother. 

" Not exactly," said Ezek., with a knowing wink, 
strapping his razor on the corners of " Alonzo and 
Melissa," ever and anon drawing the edge carefully 
across his thumb nail. 



THE STAR OF WITCHTROTT. 47 

'' 'Tis'nt Sal Hull nor Bets Lumraus, nither, is't ? " 
again enquired the old lady. 

" P'r'aps 'tis, p'r'aps 'tisn't; " answered Ezek, who 
had just began to lather his countenance. 

" Wal, you need'nt be so putchkity about it;" re- 
turned the old lady, — all is, you needn't go down to 
Witchtrott arter gals, there's enough on 'em here in 
Quamphegan, and a plaguey sight better ones, too, 
than you'll find in Witchtrott, unless you could get 
Bets Lummus ; but you know that Zeph Parkins, the 
trader, is arter her ; and Abednigo MuUikin, the 
school master, is e'ena'most ravin' distracted for her; 
so I reckon there ben't much of a chance for you." 

" Zeph Parkins be darned — and let Abednigo Mul- 
likin go to grass ; I know which side my bread is but- 
tered on, I reckon." 

This last speech of Ezekiel's ended the conversa- 
tion ; — T he had removed the superfluous down from 
off his chin, — and taking his ruffle-shirt, goes into 
-the East room, there to change his drapery, and put 
on his " lixins." 

Miss Betsey Lummus was as smart, tidy, and 
in fact, the handsomest girl, that sung psalms, or 
wore a chintz frock, in Witchtrott " meetin' 'us." 
And such a hand at making dough-nuts and pump- 
kin pies ! I shall not weary your patience by a 
tedious detail of her charms, — I'll leave that task for 
some love-sick romance scribbler ; he may paint her, 
as saith the immortal Sterne, " as like his mistress as 
he can, — as unlike his wife as his conscience will let 



^ HITS AND DASHES. 

him." She was the belle of the village ; and as is 
natural to such girls, was rather coquetish. But what- 
ever conquests she made, whatever hearts she broke, — 
her heart ^^ as as true to Ezekiel Tuggles worth, as was 
Elder Boyd to the Calvanistic creed. Ezokiei had 
now got on his " go-to-meetin' fixins ; "" — his kersey- 
grey coat, mulberry trowsers. lavender vest, fur 
hat — one of David Hammonds best, and his black- 
balled boots, made him look hke quite a man, — 
while a bran new breast pin made him appear a httle 
more than a common man, to say the least. He 
looked beautiful ! By this time, the silver queen of 
night had began to squint over the eastern side of 
Agamenticus, lighting up the windows of Hope Na- 
son's domicil, — and Ezek. took a peep in the looking- 
glass to see that all was right ; then took up his line 
of march for Witchtrott. When he arrived at the 
house cf his dulcinea, who should he find there, but 
Zeph Perkins, and Abednigo MuUikin. Betsey's mo- 
ther was telling her that she should not flirt any long- 
er ; that if she married any one, it should be the 
school-master ; while her father swore she should have 
the store-keeper. 

*' And as to you," said the old lady, who had just 
observed Ezek. sidling up to Betsey, " you may go 
home as fast as you come." 

*' Yes, and sooner the quicker ^^'^ added the old man, 
*' 'twont be you that'll have my darter, I can tell you 
now." 

" May be not," leturned Ezek. " Wal, I guess as 



THE STAR OF WITCHTROTT. 49 

how I mought as well be goin', if that ere's the case,'^ 
continued Ezek, giving a sly wink at Betsey, and then 
made for the door. Betsey followed with the candle 
to light him out. As soon as they reached the outer 
threshold, Ezek. whispered something in her ear. 
<' All right," said Betsey, '' I'll be ready." 

" 'Twas the deep noon of night," when Ezekiel 
tackled the " Cobbey raare " into the " von horse shay," 
— told his mother he must be at Kennebunk next morn- 
ing at daylight, on business, — and then started for his 
Betsey. 

The moon was in its zenith, and looked as round 
and bright as Temperance Wilkins's new warming- 
pan ! Its ray silvered the antique rooster on '' Old- 
field's meetin' 'us," and caused Col. Brock's chimney 
top to glisten like his well burnished sword on muster 
day, — as Ezek. jogged on in the Witchtrott road, sing- 
ing to himself the following parody : — - 

" How happy is the folkses, 
Wot hve on Tacnic hill ; 
Who raise good apples and good pears, 
And lots of Indian meal." 

He soon arrived at the fork of the road, within a few 
rods of his whereabouts, — -tied the mare to the fence, 
near Abonijah Brite's barn, and walked gingerly along 
by the river, towards the " Lummus place." Not a 
sound was heard, save the low gurgling of the river, 
and the faint clickings of his brogans. He soon came 
up to the cottage, — all was hush as death ! he goes to 
Betsey's bed-room window, — his pulse beat high — he 



§Q HITS AND DASHES. 

gave a light tap — his heart was in his mouth I in a 
twinkling the sash was raised^ and Betsey appeared 
with a bundle and a bandbox. " Give me your hand, 
whispered Ezek., " now jump, that's right," In a few 
moments they reached their chaise, jumped in, and 
soon left Witchtrott many miles in the rear. 



'' Now jocund day 
Stands tiptoe on Agamcnti's misty top ! '' 

Gumbo Samson, a juvenile darky, is seen running 
towards Mrs. Tus^o^lesworth's. 

(Enter Gumbo.) — O Missy TugglewufI gor 
amighty, Missy Tugglewuf! de berry debil and 
Tommas Walker be to pay, down to Witchtrott. 
Bets Lummus has gone, hook and sinker, an' lef a 
billet on de table, sayin' how she be gone off to get 
married wid you Zekel. De ole man says as how 
he'll hunt 'em to de eends of dis ere revolvin erf, if he 
ony jest find out wot eend dey went to. Zeph Par- 
kins swears he'll lick Zeke like blazes, when he cotch- 
es him ; — and deridere's 'Bednigo Mull'kin, settin on 
de school 'us steps cryin', lookin' like de werry immij 
ob despair, in de picter book ; it's enuf to break the 
werry heart ob a weel-barrer to see him ! " 

Our lovers are now half way to Boston for Rhode 
Island ; " as blythe as blythe can be." As soon as 
they arrived at Providence, Ezekiel bought a license, 
and for a triding remuneration, a justice of the peace 
put on the yoke. 



THE STAR OF WITCHTROTT. 



51 



They immediately started for Quamphegan, and 
arrived in due season, safe and sound, at Ezek.'s mo- 
thers. Betsey was forthwith introduced as Mrs. Tug- 
gles worth, by Ezekiel. 

" Lor me ! " exclaimed his mother, throwing down 
her knitting ; " Wal, I never I who'd have thought it ? 
you'll he hung in Tacnic hay-scales, that's sartain, you 
Zeke ! " 

Ezek. now sent a letter to Betsey's father, telling 
him that he had saved him the trouble of getting a 
husband for his daughter. The old man foamed and 
swore, and sent back to Ezek, that if he didn't want a 
" tarnel thrashing," never to set his foot in Witchtrott 
again. 

Ezekiel now bes^an to build an addition to the old 
homestead ; and matters and things went on '' smooth 
as ile," as he expressed it. Betsey's father was satis- 
fied after a while that his dausjhter hadn'l. made out 
so badly ; and some of the neighbors convinced him 
that she had done better than by having either of her 
other suitors ; accordingly his wrath was somewhat ap- 
peased, — but he never got fairly reconciled to the 
elopement. Zeph Perkins solaced himself as well as 
he could, by drinking cider-brandy and smoking long- 
nines. As to the poor school-master, he was inconso- 
lable ; he mourned and would not be comforted. 
Betsey's mother took pity, and did all she could to 
comfort him. She could not give the substance of 
his wishes, bat she gave him the shadow, in the 
shape of a profile of her daughter, which an itinerant 
artist cut a few years previous. 



555 HITS AND DASHES. 

One Sunday last summer, I saw Abednigo stand- 
ing on the steps of Witchlrott meeting-house, -just be- 
fore the services had commenced. I asked him if he 
had got married yet. He gave a deep sigh, — and tak- 
ing a sheep-skin pocket book, sadly worn, from his 
breast pocket, opened it, and showed me Betsey's pro- 
file. I saw that his heart was broken, for he wiped a 
tear from his eye, with the sleeve of his thread-bare 
coat, as he gazed on the " counterfeit presentment" of 
Betsey's features, and exclaimed — 

" She's the star 1 miss'd from Witchtrott, 
Long time ago ! " 



SCRAPS FROM MY SKETCH BOOK. 

lOM FREELY was a jolly, fat fellow ; his heart 
was big as that of an ox, as Sol Swap would 
say ; — and such a hand at making a boot ! Tiie young 
bloods of Lingville would suffer no one else to form 
the eases for their understandings. He was a capital 
sportsman, too ; no other man in that neighborhood 
could bring home more game at one time, either fish 
or fowl, than Tom. And more than that, he was one 
of God's noblest works — an honest man I But, alas ! 
Tom is now no more. He has waxed his last thread, 
he has finished his last boot, he has caught his last fish, 
he has winged his last bird, and his honest soul has 



SCRAPS FROM MY SKETCH BOOK. 53 

winged its flight to the arms of St. Crispin. One day 
after his stent was finished — for, mind you, he would 
never leave his business undone for pleasure — Tom, 
with a party of his '' ancient, trusty cronies," embarked 
on board Sam Foley's wherry, for a fishing excursion 
down Lingville river. J laving fished to their hearts' 
content, they put ashore on Heel-tap island, at the 
mouth of Clam Bay, to cook their piscatory spoils. 
Heel-tap island is a small round piece of loam, about 
three fathoms from the main land of Coonic, where it 
is connected by a rustic bridge. Tradition says this 
island was formed by a heel-tap, which chanced to 
fall from the shoe of some patriarch of yore ; the pegs 
which remained in it served for an anchor ; it stuck 
fast in the bottom of the river, — the eel-grass and weeds 
fastened to it ^- the soil washed from the shores during 
the freshets accumulated upon it, so in process of time 
it becamxC an island ; it is about fifty yards in diame- 
ter. Tom and his brother souters always chose this 
spot for their fishing frolics, on account of its name 
chiming with their professions, and for its being near 
their fishing grounds. A chowder was now soon 
served up, and as quickly despatched, by Tom and 
his hungry companions. The "striped" was now 
handed round, and 

" All the lads looked gay and l^riglit, 
And wine and genius flashed about ! 

But, while all this was going on, their boat was go- 
ing off; for she, like her master, possessed rather a 
roving disposition, and being rather impatient withall 



54 HITS AND DASHES. 

in waiting for her freight, she had, by some means or 
other, sHp[)ed frem her moorings, and was going down 
with the tide ; and by the lime " the hour approached 
when they maun go," their bonny boat was full fifty 
fathoms from the shore. What was to be done ? 
They didn't hke the idea of losing the boat, nor of be- 
ing laughed at for walkini^ home. "I'll swim for't," 
exclaimed Tom, who ere this, had stood still, with his 
finger on his lip — 

" And like a neutral to his will and matter, said nothing." 

" And,^^ continued he — 

" I've read in ancient story book, that for to kiss his dear, 
Leaiider swam the Hellespont, and 1 will swim this "ere." 

"I'll bet a quart of ' white-face ' I'll get her." 
" And I'll bet two quarts you won't," said one of the 
company. " Done," exclaimed Tom, Avho immedi- 
ately commenced operations, by bracing up his spirits 
" a leetle " higher, Avilh a drop or two more of the 
"streaked; " then doffed his robes, and breasted the 
green waves for the boat. After buffettiiig the stream, 
till he got within a few yards of the fugitive wherry, 
nature began to be exhausted, — he could swim no 
further; he turned his face towards the shore, and 
shouted — "I've lost my bet!" then sank for ever! 

His bench now stands unoccupied, in one corner of 
his shoj^, — the spiders have spun their webs round 
about it ; — there has no one yet been found that can fill 
his place. The birds n^w sing, the trout and pickerel 
wag their tails and leap for joy, as if they would say 



WHITEWASHING EXTRAORDINARY. 55 

— 'Met us now rejoice, for our destroyer is con- 
quered ! " The beaux of the village sigh as they look 
at their now bungled " trotter coverings," and exclaim 
with Hal, — "We could have better spared a better 
man.^' 



WHITEWASHING EXTRAORDINARY. 

NCLE JEM'iS grocery at Newburyport was a 
queer looking medley, a conglomeration of 
things in general, a confused confusion of particular 
goods, with those of no particular use, profit nor ac- 
count. A smoke-house graced one end of his store, 
where hams and herring were wont to be cured, which 
tinctured the wares with a smack of creosote, besides 
tinging the walls and ceiling with an imctious and 
very delicious brown. Heaven's first law was out of 
the question entirely in that unique receptacle of mul- 
titudinous multiplicily of notions; for, mixed and 
commingled with a delectable mixture, his ample 
counters showed forth heaps strangely heaped in 
strangest and wildest juxtaposition of heterogenious 
bunches, piles and bundles — wet, moist, hard, soft 
and dry goods — gingerbread, gimlets, je\vsharps, 
jack-knives, gloves and gridirons — jumbled, higglety- 
pigglety, in maddest mazes ! Moreover, the walls 
were in most excellent keeping with the rest of the 



56 HITS AND DASHES. 

Store ; hanging pendant therefrom, or laid upon 
shelves of every shape, size and condition, were warm- 
ing-pans, brooms, bacon, shovels and steel-traps, sad- 
irons and stew-pans, in swe^est confusion ; in a word, 
chaotic chaos reigned there supreme, and medley of 
medleys was fully realized. 

One bright morning in June, Uncle Jem took a 
quirk in his noddle, and " calkylated ".'twould ;x/^ to 
whitewash the interior of his store — five and twenty 
years, at least, having gone by since the rejuvenatitig 
brush, dipped in the calciferous mixture, had been ap- 
plied thereunto. Two men of lime were sent for ; 
they were soon on the spot, armed and equipped, rea- 
dy and willing to beautify the ancient walls at the gro- 
cer-man's bidding. " You may whitewash every- 
thing," said tTncle Jem, carelessly ; " and," continued 
he, '' there's a mug, and there are the sperit casks, — so 
you may work away and help yourselves." The di- 
rection to the locality of the standing casks might have 
been spared — the men had been there before — but 
the ad libertim use of the contents thereof was well 
received by them, for two drier chaps never worked in 
lime. 

As soon as these two artists of the broad brush had 
tested pretty freely the divers taps, they took each a 
bouncing swig of old Jamaica, and went to their work 
— first taking down jugs, pots, pans and panikins — 
then whitewashing among the mazy intricacies of 
hooks, nails, buckets, chests, braces and hanging 
shelves. They soon found this rather slow and che- 



WHITEWASHING EXTRAORDINARY. Sf 

quered work, besides inconvenient in stepping among 
the wares taken from the walls, w^hich encumbered the 
floor. So, after a few more liberal draughts upon the 
old Jamaica, these worthies of the lime-tub concluded 
to put the job through, obeying orders, literally, by 
whitewashing everything. At it they went, doing 
over pots, mugs, scythes, brushes, buckets, clothes- 
lines, stew-pans, legs of ham, strings of herring, onions 
and Bologna sausages, ox-chains, augurs, and so forth. 
Then came the case of drawers, — the counter, next, 
with the load of uncypherable things came in for its 
share of the renovating fluid ; the bins, the shot-bags, 
the nail-casks, the barrels, the standing-casks and the 
molasses hogshead, all, all came forth from the lavish 
brushes of these artists in lime, " fresh as bride- 
grooms," — even the venerable tabby, that lay dozing 
in a basket of filberts on the window-seat, got a big 
lick upon her brindled back ; and I verily believe, had 
Uncle Jem crossed the path of these liberal w^iiteners, 
especially after they had imbibed '^ thirteenthly," he 
would have got his share of the diluted staple of 
Thomaston. But when the grocer-man did make his 
appearance, he was amazed beyond measure, he wot 
not of his whereabouts, he thought that he had stepped 
into a lime-kiln, or had been transported, unawares, 
to the chalky cliffs of Dover — all, all, was so very 
while ! 

5 



58 HITS AND DASHES, 



A SIGHT. * 



^J]HE cotton mills at Dover, N. H., are some six 
^fe or seven stories in height, in the rear. Directly- 
opposite stands the old Ela tavern. These mills, 
viewed from that house, locm np mightily, and make 
a very imposing show, especially at evening, when 
they are lighted — then they look quite formidable. 

Two youths from the interior — their first appear- 
ance in any town or village — *' put up " at this old 
tavern one night, it being the place where all the yeo- 
manry did congregate. The youngest went up stairs 
to go to bed, leaving his companion in the bar-room 
to finish up a horse-trade and the end of a " long 
nine." The tired youngster had partly disrobed him- 
self, when glancing out of the window, the legion of 
illumined panes met his astonished eyes, 

" In one tide ot light — one unclouded blaze 1 " 

With one boot in his hand, the other upon his foot, 
leaving the remainder of his wardrobe, wilh the excep- 
tion of his shirt and trowsers, behind, he made a rush 
for the bar-room, descending three steps at a time, 
then, with phrenzied phiz, his eyes dilated to the size 
of two full grown ruta-bagas, he thus made utter- 
ance : — 

" Jock ! come up ! will you come up stairs for 
mighty. gracious sake ? Of all creation's works, this 
ere's the darned-all-firedest ! Tophet is moved, and 
sot up in Dover Landing ! " 



A SATURDAY EVENING SKETCH. 59 



A SATURDAY EVENING SKETCH. 

ilTE PICKERING'S big, brawney hands had 
just clutched the bell-rope at Dr. Spring's church, 
to give notice lo tlie puritans of good old Newbury- 
port thai all worldly affairs must be closed up for the 
week Jenjmy Ball had hauled up his wherry, and 
his wife iiad just put on a pot of clams, wherewith to 
regale her lord and master. Parson Milton had writ- 
ten out " tliirt'^enihly " and " lastly" to his to-morrow'e 
sermon, and Deacon Solomon had finished reckoning 
the week's protits and losses. Harry Harmless, with 
a quar -jng of " white-eye," was describing a Virginia 
fence on his way hom.e through Star Alley. Captain 
Moody Davis had shu<^^ up shop. The she-publican of 
Guinea, a iter taking her gin-toddy, had given the key 
of the bar in chaYge of the " minstrel," and enveloped 
snugly uiihin ihe warm folds of her virtuous blankets, 
resigned licr dark drowsy head to the arms of Mor- 
pheus. 'J'he dipped candle had burnt low in its sock- 
et at Jem D(>nglasy's shanty, and — in short, 'twas 
eight o'clock on Saturday night. The weather was 
stormy. 

Hovering round a scant fire, was a bankrupt mer- 
ch^int's wife, and her three little ones; the husband 
and father wa.> then lying in jail for a debt vvhich he 
was totally uni'^lc to pay, — 

" D;'st itod at, his utmost need, 
By those his former bounty fed.'* 



60 HITS AND DASHES. 

Too proud to beg, the excellent woman bad struggled 
alone to gain a scanty pittance for herself and chil- 
dren ; 'twas too much for her alone. She had pawned 
her silver spoons, one after another ; her jewelry had 
gone long since — the brass fire-set, so very fashionable 
in those days, soon followed, with many other things, 
but the money was soon expended, and ''short com- 
mons'^ was again their lot. 

" My dear children," said the good mother, " I do 
not know what I shall do to get bread for you to-mor- 
row. I really did expect, surely, that Mrs. M. would 
have sent to pay for the sewing which I did for her ; 
O, if she did but know how much I depended upon 
her, she would have sent it, I am sure. I dare not ask 
the grocer nor the baker for any more credit, and I 
know not what more I can pawn. I do hope," con- 
tinued the afflicted woman, as she wiped away a tear 
from each eye — one of honest pride, the other of sor- 
row — "I do hope we shall get along without beg- 
ging." 

The storm whistled, and the sleet rattled against the 
windows. 

" Let us kneel together, my darlings," she resumed, 
" and pray to our Father which is in heaven ; for he 
tells us to call upon him in time of trouble." The 
sainlly mother then kneeled, and her little jewels, fold- 
ing their tiny hands, knelt round about her. 

O, thou kind Being ! By whom even the sparrow's 
fall is noticed. Thou who didst feed thy children in 
the wilderness, — see'st thou that mother, with her 



%l 



group of little cherubs around her ; hearest thoa her 
supplication, accompanied with the sweet responses of 
those lisping babes, invoking Thee not to forsake them 
in their adversity ? 

Thou hast said, — I will not see the righteous forsa- 
ken, nor their seed begging bread. 

Her prayer is heard ! 

The point of the minute hand upon the Old South 
dial had scarce traversed a quadrantle, when a neigh- 
bor entered. It was a good old nurse ; she stated to 
the distressed mother that she had baked a batch of 
bread that day, but being called away that night to 
attend the sick, on a week's absence or longer, she 
had no occasion for it, and, if she would accept, was 
welcome to it. 

He that heareth the young ravens cry, will not suf- 
fer such an invocation to go unheeded. 



A "SELL." 

^N making repairs upon the dam at Salmon Falls, 
^> N. H., a few Aveeks since, one of the workmen 
found an aquatic root of peculiar color, spotted ; he 
gave it to Sam. Ricker, of Quamphegan, to do as he 
liked with it. Sam is a cosy and ingenious wag of 
quiet demean ; so immediately on the receipt of this 
curious relic, he sat himself down upon the nave of 



88 



HITS AND DASHES. 



one of his wagon-^\ heels — Sam is a wheelwright — lit 
his pipe, and cogitated thus : 

^' There has been nothing turned up here of late 
wherewith to arouse the natives ; true, the village ar- 
chitect has bought a snuff-box, Parker Abbott a new 
pipe, the post-master has had a new chimney to his 
domicil, Walter Bell has just finished the laying of 
ten new shingles on Jenkins's barn — he works by the 
day, — a foot in height has been added to the new 
dam, and a new windo whas been cut in Dea. Footers 
mill, — but something of more " pith and moment" is 
needed to stir the sluggish blood of the Quamphegan- 
ers, so I'll e'en try my hand at getdng up a new won- 
derment." 

No sooner thought than done. Sam, with the aid of 
his jack-knife, carved the head of a snake upon the 
large end of the root ; a half score of shoe-pegs from 
Donty Tuttle's kit did the teeth, two China beads from 
the toy-shop represented the optics, and a bit of red 
baize formed the tongue. The snake was finished, — 
nothing of the serpent kind ever looked more formida- 
ble,— 

" Not those that in Illyria changed 
Hermione and Cadmus, or the god 
In Epidaurus: nor to wliich transform 'd 
Ammonian Jove, or Capitoline, was seen." 

The ''critter" was transported to Sam's brother's 
store, and placed in " awful state " upon a round ta- 
ble in the centre of the back shop ; the shutters were 
closed, save one small aperture, and " a dim rehgious 



A "SELL." 63 

light " pervaded the apartment. A notice was forth- 
with written out in a round, bold hand, and placed in 
a conspicuous place, running somewhat thus : — 

A NATURAL CURIOSITY ! 

A young specimen of the Ichthyosauncs^ or Water Liz- 
ard! ! ! Found in the Salmon Falls river, by Charles 
Tuttle, Esq. This is the only one of this class of rep- 
tiles, supposed to have long ceased to exist, that has 
been seen for the last century ! ! ! This very peculiar 
species of the aquatic snake is a very young member 
of the Ichthyosaurian family, being only about four 
feet in length; it has the snout of a porpoise, the 
teeth of a crocodile, the head of a lizard, the verter- 
brae of an eel, the tongue of an ornithorhynchus ; uni- 
ting within itself a combination of parts of the three 
animal kingdoms. The eye, "rolling in liquid cir- 
cles," is somewhat large, being a third of an inch in 
diameter, and 

" Robed in flames of liquid light ! " 

The animal is covered with a smooth skin, which in 
different lights, looks 

" Starred, striped and spotted, yellow, green and blue ! '* 

This fish-like serpent was originally an inhabitant of 
the ocean ; it fed upon its own species ; hence, very 
like, the reason of its expulsion. Milton makes men- 
tion of this monster — 

" With head uplift above the waves, and eyes 
That sparkling, blazed ! " 

This curiosity may be seen at No. 1, brick block, rear 



§4 HITS AND DASHES. 

room, Quamphegan square, for this day only, pre- 
vious to its departure south and west. Admittance, 
6 1-4 cents — women and children, half-price. 

It took ; the village was all agog. The villagers 
thronged in by dozens. The circuit judge was there, 
the preacher-men were present, the school-master was 
on hand, the village doctors were not behind the call, 
*'the oldest inhabitant" hobbled in, the learned pun- 
dits all came to see the show ; the bump of wonder 
stuck out ''a feet" on the cranium of a transcenden- 
talist, as he beheld the sight ; the ehte and the plebi- 
ans of the village rushed with one accord, and min- 
gled with the motley and wondering crowd around 
the curious "varmint." A deputation from Tacnic 
came to see the " snaik," — and ere night-fall people 
rushed in from Witchtrott, Sligo, Agamenticus, Tear- 
shirt, and Bonnybig — yea, verily, even Barrington 
plains sent down a delegation of three. 

A rail was put up a few feet from the table, encir- 
cling it, on which reclined this 

" Monster of the bubbling deep." 

Sam's brother stood within the railing, and thus ha- 
ranged the crowd : — Gentlemen and — I was about 
to say ladies — this nondescript, this aquatic lizard, 
this remnant of other days, was taken alive at Salmon 
Falls River this very morning at sun-rise, but he has 
about given up the ghost, as you see he scarcely 
moves." Here one of the audience gave the " pesky 
sarpent" a poke with a stick, which made the elastic, 



65 



pulpons, counterfeit '^ snaik " tremble, and seem to 
writhe, and the over-ciirious auditor 

" Back to the crowd did slink." 

*' This reptile, gentlemen," continued the speaker, 
" being a native of old Neptune's domains — 

" Now sporting on the yesty crcstedwave, 
Anon, wooing the slimy buttom of the deep I " 

is a great wonder in these parts ; he must have come 
hither by the Piscataqua ard Quamphegan rivers, and 
finally taken up his abode and settled down among 
the w^inding mazes of the romantic Salmon Falls, 
along the wild, sedgy banks by Cutts's neck — 

" Where the raven flappes his wynge, 
In the briard dell belowe ; 
Where the dethe owle loude dothe synge 
To the nighte-mares as heie goe ; 

Alle underre ye willowe tree ! " 

" Cre-a-tion ! what a mouth ! " ejaculated Zeruba- 
bel Mullikin, from Witchtrott. " Ah-r-r-r, that's a 
comploot snake, a com-ploot snake ! " outspoke the 
village architect, as he took a bouncing big pinch of 
Maccaboy from his new box. " By zucks ! " ex- 
claimed a baptist deacon, "we won't have any more 
baptisms in that river ! " " Will he bite, Thommuth ? " 
lisped out a village miss, who had just entered the 
room with a young sprig from the academy. " I 
should be rather fearful of the reptile," replied the 
gallant, " he looks decidedly wicked, and 

" See the sparkles that flash from his eyes ! " 



DO HITS AND DASHES. 

" By , he's one on 'em ! " roared out a gondo- 
la captain. *' I s-vv-e-o-u-w ! " drawled out. Peleg 
Jenkins, in a semi-tone. '' Very probable this reptile 
is an infant of the mighty leviathan of the vasty deep, 
that the scriptures tell us of," suggested one of the 
parsons. '* I'll probe this matter," whispered a young 
^' saw bones" of the villao^e ; and suitinj? the action to 
the word, he dodged under the raihng, and inserting 
the point of his pen-knife into the " pesky varmint," 
immediately withdrew it and placed it to his nose, re- 
marking at the time that it cut and smelt very hke a 
vegetable. The audience began to smell a joke ; the 
*' snaik " Avas snaked out, the plot was uncovered ; 
the game was up ; and 

" Such a shout was there ! '' 

it made the windows rattle, nearly unhung the pon- 
derous shutters, and actually shook the plastering so 
that it cracked from wainscot to ceihng ! 

As soon as the tumult had a little subsided, Sam start- 
ed for Tom's, and quickly returned, loaded with a big 
demijohn ; the proprietor of the store where the exhibi- 
tion took place, furnished the " principes " and " Ha- 
vanas;" the fastidious ones vanished, and the 
rest had a ''time" on the proceeds of the " show^" 
Punch was concocted and swallowed, cigars were 
used up with guslo^ jokes were cracked, and finally, 
this gathering wound up with a song sung by " Don- 
ty," entitled " The Great Sea Snake ! " 



A GENTLE HINT. 67 



A GENTLE HINT. 

IHE following incident of a voyage clown east, 
several years since, I have lold so often in self- 
defence, anticipating my friend relating it in his own 
way, although the joke w^as sadly at my expense, I 
have got quite used and reconciled to, — so here it 
goes in print : — 

My friend Jemes and myself were journeying cast- 
ward one winter. After buffeting a north-east storm 
all day, night found us cold, wet, weary and hungry. 
We began to look about for a tavern ; but as we rode 
on, and rode on, no signs of one appeared. Despe- 
rate, we called at the first house, and were told we had 
passed a tavern a mile back, and that there were none 
other for six long miles. We told them our situation, 
and that we really believed the horse would give out 
if we drove him a mile farther that night. The old 
farmer told us we might stop with him, if we wished, 
and he would do the best he could for us. We soon 
saw our horse well bestowed — the very first thing al- 
ways — and then were ushered into the domicil, 
where we found a rousing fire of maple logs to glad- 
den our hearts withal. 

Whilst we were warming and drying ourselves, 
the daughter of our host, a buxom lass, spread the 
table with good cheer ; a bouncing pitcher of cider 



68 HITS AND DASHES. 

in the centre, flanked upon either side by cold beef, 
hot tea, toast and dough-nuts, fat, ruddy and plump as 
Bardolph's nose, with 

«' Other country messes, 
Which the neat-handed Philhs dresses." 

We were soon seated round the bountiful board, do- 
ing ample justice to the viands, with appetites sharp- 
ened to such an edge as nothing short of a down-cast 
winter air could fix. The damsel waited upon the 
table ; my friend and myself were both taken up with 
her, as well w^e might be, for she not only looked in- 
teresting, but supplied our Avants with such a pretty 
and willing hand, that I involuntarily exclaimed — 

" Yes, let Hebe, ever young, 
High in heaven her nectar hold. 
And to Jove's immortal throng 
Pour the tide in cups of gold — 
HI not envy heaven's princes, 
While, w^ith snowy hands, for me, 
Kate the china tea-cup rinses. 
And pours out her best Bohea ! " 

After tea, among other topics, that of watches was 
brought up ; my friend prided himself not a little upon 
his knowledge of chronometers ; the old man's watch 
was '' out o' kilter," he said, and wished Jemes to 
look into it. Proud of an opportunity to display his 
knowledge of mechanism, Jemes took the antique ho- 
rologe to a table and opened it. The whole family, 
with the exception of the girl who waited upon us at 
supper, gathered around him, to see him illustrate, and 
hear him expatiate upon the w^onders of the time- 



A GENTLE HLMT. 69 

keeper. Preferring the warm fire side to the back 
part of the room, and the charms of a damsel to the 
wheels and fixings of an old-fashioned '' bull's-eye," I 
kept company with the maiden. We soon 

" • grew quiet gracious, 

With favors secret, sweet and precious." 

The old lady, as she would occasionally glance at us 
from over the top of her specs, looked somewhat dis- 
comforted, and my friend would, ever and anon, leave 
his subject and give a most envious look at me. I 
was in full feather- — it would have taken something of 
a bonus to induce me to exchange places with Jemes. 

" Come and see the turnip^'' said Jemes to me, 
coaxingly, " it's a curious one-" ^ 

" Ht^re's metal more attractive," replied I, in the 
language of the prince of Denmark. 

" Lor sake, Katy ! " out spoke the old lady, " I 
should ra'lly think you'd rather see the inards of a 
Avatch, — 'I know you never seed one opened in all 
your born days." The damsel heeded the invitation 
not. 

" Nods and becks and wreatlied smiles" 

were plentifully exchanged betwixt us, most of which 
the vigilant eye of the mother saw ; and Jemes would 
now and then cast an envious glance at me, which I 
would repay by placing the end of my thumb on the 
tip of my nose, and extending the remaining digits to- 
wards him, all of which he understood too well to be 
mistaken to mean, " You can't shine here, young 



70 HITS AND DASHES. 

The plot thickened. The old lady began to look 
worried. Fnally she could't stand it no longer ; she 
rushed into the " fore-room," and soon returned with 
a huge slice of rich cake upon a "chancy" plate, 
which she handed to me, remarking at the same time, 
*' This 'ere is some of my darter Kate's — this 'ere 
gal's — wedding cake; she is to be married next 
week. I kind o' thought you'd hke to taste on't, 
cause she made it herself; and we think it's as good 
as the boughten. Her fellow has gone to the village ; 
he'll be back to-night. You'd like to see him, I 
guess, for he's a right good young man ! " 

Jemes shouted, kicked over his chair, broke 
the crystal of the " bull's eye,^' and asked after the 
health of my grandmother. The old man stared, the 
hired men giggled, the old lady sat down and took a 
pinch of yaller snuff, the children laughed, and the 
damsel wept. As to myself, a smooth six-cent piece 
would have bought me then — hats, boots and all I 



GETTING IT THICK, 71 



CUTTING IT THigK. 

ANY years since, there did dwell in a certain 
'ife town, not a hundred miles from that far-famed 
place where orthodox divines are fitting up for their 
profession and calling, a certain D. D., notorious for 
his parsimoniousness, which would occasionally run 
into the wildest extremes : — 

" Like a peach that's got the /alters, 
With it's meanness bustin' out ! '' 

One day this doctor of divinity chanced into a hat 
store in this city, and after rummaging over the wares, 
selected an or linary looking hat, put it on his reverend 
head, ogled himself in the glass, then asked the very 
lowest price for it, telhng the vender that if he could 
get it cheap enough he thought he might buy it. 

" But," said the hatter, " that hat is not good enough 
for yoiv to wear — here is what you want," showing 
one of his best beavers. 

" 'Tis the best I can afford, tho'," returned the theo- 
logian. 

'' Well, there, doctor — I'll make you a present of 
that best beaver, if you'll wear it and tell your friends 
whose store it came from — I'll warrant you'll send me 
customers enough to get my money back with inter- 
est, — you are pretty extensively acquainted." 

*' Thank you — thank you I '^ said the doctor — his 
eyes gleaming with pleasure at raising a castor so 



72 HITS AND DASHES. 

cheaply — " how much may this beaver be worth?'' 

" We sell that kind of hat for eight dollars," re- 
plied the man of nap. 

" And the other ? " continued the reverend gentle- 
man. 

«' Three." 

The man of sermons put on the beaver, looked in 
the glass, then at the three dollar hat. 

'' I think, sir," said he, taking off the beaver, and 
holding it in one hand as he donned the cheap '' tile," 
" I think, sir, that* this hat will answer my purpose 
full as well as the best." 

" But you'd better take the best one, sir, it costs 
you no more." 

"But — -but," replied the parson, hesitatingly, "I 
didn't know- — but — per-haps — you would as lief I 
would take the cheap one — and leave the other -—and 
perhaps you would not mind giving me the difference 
in ^fwe dollar bill! " 



CUTTING IT FAT. 73 



CUTTING IT FAT— -OR THE PARSON 
AND THE CHEESES. 

.UR reverend hero of the hat story was riding 
home from a visit to Newburyport, one after- 
noon, — and being on the road where a friend of his, 
Mr. T., lived, a staunch old farmer, famous for his fat 
cheeses and good living, he gave him a call. 

In a short time, tea was ready, and the doctor was 
of course cordially invited to sit down at their bounti- 
ful board. 

" I declare," ejaculated the divine, " I must say that 
this cheese is the nicest I ever ate ; why, it will nearly 
melt in one's mouth ! " 

" Sartain/' returned the dairyman, " you must 
know, doctor, that my wife lets no one go ahead of 
her on cheese ; she always gets the first premium at 
the cattle show ; I stamp my initials on all we make, 
and they bring a cent or two a pound more than any 
others in the market." 

" Excuse me for helping myself to it so bounti- 
fully," said the reverend guest, "it \s so very nice; 
besides, it is quite a luxury to me — such extra cheese, 
— we don't have such at home; in fact, to tell you 
plainly, we have n't had any of an?/ kind lately." 

This brought out the good dairywoman. 

*' Husband," said she, '' had n't we better give the 
doctor one of our cheeses ? " 
6 



74 HITS AND DASHES. ^ 

" Sarlain," replied the farmer, '' give him a good 
one — the best you've got in the house." 

As soon as the doctor was ready to start, the gener- 
ous woman selected a nice fat cheese from her store- 
room — fit for a king's table — rolled it up nicely in a 
spick-span clean napkin, and handed it to their hired 
man to put it in the parson's sleigh. 

" I'll take care of it, myself," said our doctor of 
theology, taking the rich disc from the man, — and, after 
thanking the good people kindly for their nice present, 
he bade them good night, and started with his prize 
for his horse and sleigh, which was standing by the 
front gate. 

After stowing away his cheese, he unhitched the 
animal, and jumped into the sleigh ; but he had 
scarcely got seated, and the reins adjusted, when the 
horse, feeling impatient to be off, gave a sudden side- 
jerk towards the road, capsizing the sleigh, spilling 
out the parson, and after him three cheeses, which he 
had got at different places that day, besides the 
one just given him, which verged off in differenl direc- 
tions like rays of rich orange light, leaving the doctor 
in the centre of the halo for a nucleus ! 

All this came off before a good audience — the 
scene was not lost. A picket guard of children stood 
at the gate — the farmer and his wife were posted at 
the front door, and the man-servant and the maid-ser- 
vant stood at the window\ 

As soon as the doctor's rich cargo was revealed to 
the astonished eyes of our good dairyman, he sprung 



PARSON MILTON. 75 

forward and seized, with his huge paw, the cheese 
marked " S. T.," clapped it under his arm — then 
turning to the parson whh a satirical smile, said — 
" Doctor, when you are out of c-h-e-e-s-e, just come 
this way and you shall have this ! " The parson was 
never known to call for it, we believe. 



PARSON MILTON 



■HO that knows anything about Newburyport, 
surely knows there was once a good, honest, 
but rather a rough old parson, Milton. Many are the 
anecdotes extant of this eccentric man. He was a 
queer looking personage, withal, resembling very 
much, Crehore's jack of clubs. And such a voice I 
Like the thunder of some mighty organ, 'twould make 
the very clapboards rattle on his old church ! 

One Monday morning, as the good old man was 
lugging home a huge codfish, he was accosted by one 
of his deacons, with — "Mr. Milton, did you know 
that fish was caught on the Sabbath ? " 

'' What of it," returned the parson, '' the fish isn't 
any the worse for't." 



This same deacon was a dealer in wood, and it had 
been whispered more than once about his' short mea- 



76 HITS AND DASHES. 

0ures. On the following Sunday, Parson M., after 
reading his text from Proverbs, about short weights 
and measures, roared out at the top of his lungs, al- 
most cracking the old sounding board, " any man that 
will sell six feet of wood for a cord, will have to ' take 
it ' in the next world, if not in this, — 1 don't care if he 
does sit in the deacon's seats — that won't save him, by 
a long chalk ! " 



About the time that temperance and anti-slavery 
began to bud forth, a committee from his society 
w^aited upon, and desired him to espouse those causes. 

"Shan't do't!" said the parson of the old school; 
*Vwhen you hired me, it was to preach the gospel — ' 
now it's rum and niggers ! " 



The good man bought a load of potatoes of a coun- 
tryman one day. On their way to the house with the 
load, they passed Prospect street church. 

" Isn't that old Milton's church ? " asked the farmer. 

" Yes," snapped out the minister. 

" Wal, I should hke to see the old codger, I have 
hearn tell on him so much." 

*' You'd like to see him, eh ? wal, I'll show him to 
ye directly," returned the parson, jogging on. 

They soon arrived at the house, and between them 
both, quickly had the potatoes stowed away in the cel- 
lar. The old man brought out the decanter — 'twas the 
custom in those days — both took a pull at it, — then, 
after paying the farmer, the reverend gentleman plant- 



PARSON MILTON. 77 

ed himself in front of him, and screamed out, '' Ye 
said ye'd Uke lo see old Milton, didn't ye." 

'' I did," replied the man of potatoes. 

^' Wal then," roared forth the'man of God, at the 
^' top of his bent," look at me — Fm old Milton I " 



A party of the good citizens of that town took it in- 
to their heads to make a trip to the Isle of Shoals ; 
among the rest was our good parson. A few hours 
out, a terrible squall arose, —the boat could but just 
live under it, — every cheek was paled, — the minis- 
ter Avasas frightened as the rest. " Mr. Mihon," said 
one of the company, " we marvel much that you 
should be alarmed in danger, — a saint like you, in 
case you are drowned, would of course go to heaven." 

'* All right," replied the eccentric man of God, " but 
I don't wish to go there by water ! " 



A huge pile of "notes" — not promissory, but 
mostly invocative, Avere laid upon the pulpit desk, 
owQ Sunday morning— -an extra lot : Parson Milton 
overhauled them, threw them down, and told the con- 
gregation that there lay a lot of requests — some desir- 
ing prayers for one thing, some for another ; and 
many wishing to return thanks for various things ; — 
^' 'Twill take a long while to read them," said this 
funny preacher-man, " so my hearers, we'll lump 'em, 
and pray for 'em in a bunch ! " 



At another time this eccentric old parson found a 



78 HITS AND DASHES. 

'•note" lor him to read, which ran somewhat thus 
— all but the names ; — " Abinadab Humm and wife 
desires the prayers of this congregation for their son 
Sam, who is given over to hardness of heart and 
blindness of mind." The odd divine, as soon as he 
had finished the reading of this strange request, ex- 
claimed in one of his big Paixhan gun tones — '' it's 
of no use to pray for him ! " — then rent the '• note " 
in twain, and flung the pieces on the floor. 



A queer lot of requests, generally, were sent to this 
erratic reverend ; one of the very richest ran thus, 
barring the names : — '' Zachariah Plumper and wife, 
desire to return thanks for being blessed with the 
natural consequences of matrimony ! " 



This compound of oddities — this queer old parson, 
went down river one day on a chowder-party, 
with a half score or so of his fellow saints. In due 
time the savory dish, smoking hot, Avas set before 
these living pillars of presbytery, who, with appetites 
sharpened to a double edge by fasting and the sea 
air, were both ready and willing to go into the mess 
with more than religious zeal and good will — the 
parson, especially, was anxious for the onslaught. 
He, with watering mouth, stood up and inv^oked a 
brief blessing thus : — " O Lord, bless the repast set 
before us. for Christ's sake, amen — Deacon Dole, 
hand me that spoon ! " • _ 



PARSON MILTON. 79 

Parson Milton was never lukewarm. He always 
went into his sermons with a rush, with a zest, a 
zeal, a gusto, and sometimes with a '• whirlwind of 
passion," a perfect hurricane of action accompanied 
by a thunder-storm of words. One day this queer 
apostle was engagad in doing up his doctrines 
"brown," hitting occasionally the socinians, armini- 
ans, antinomiaiisand Hopkintonians big " licks," and 
showing the opponents in general to the presbytery 
no quarter whatsoever, — when in one of his immense 
flourishes, he hit the big bible a thump, — and over 
went the huge volume from the desk, slap-bang! 
down upon the bald and reverend head of one of the 
deacons! The excited parson " pulled up " short, 
in his harangue — peeped over the cushion down 
among the living pillars of the church, and seeing 
the elder rubbing his pate, screamed forth in one of 
his unearthly yells — " Did it hurt ye, deacon? " 



Like many church-goers in those days, his congre- 
gation were impatient to rush out before the benedic- 
tion. And, in cold weather, (for they had no fires 
m their churches in those days — the minister per- 
forming the services in great coat and mittens,) most 
of his flock had their pew-doors open, and one toot 
out, ready for a start, ere the good man had even be- 
2;un the '• grace." 



One bitter cold Sunday, this old parson had 



m 



HITS AND DASHES. 



•scarcely got the " amen " out, before every pew-door 
was swung open, and its occupant ready for a rush — 
when our divine roared out in one of his pecuUar yells, 
— "Ye need'nt hurry — your puddin's won't get 
cold I " 

The effect of this rebuke lasted but a short time. 
His people soon got into their old habits ; they 
must have another dose, thought the old parson — and 
they got it. Accordingly, one Sunday, as usual — 
before the minister had even grot to the " grace" — the 
pew doors flew open, and the whole congregation 
seemed 

" Like greyhounds in the slips, 
Straining upon the start ! " 

when this cxcentric preacher bellowed forth, at the 
"top of his compass," — " If you'll stop I'll ask the 
blessing — U ye don't I won't ! " 



One Saturday, a young milk-and-water looking 
sprig of divinity, fresh from the Andover minister mill, 
called upon our parson, and offered to preach for him. 
Mr. Milton told him he did'nt think his voice loud 
enough to fill so large a house ; but the young man 
was rather confident it was. Finally, Milton agreed 
to let him try it, with the proviso that he him.self 
should be seated in the pulpil, and if he thought the 
youngster's voice pitched too low, he would remind 
him of it, by pulling at his coat-tail. 

The next morning the young sprig mounted the sa- 
cred rostrum — while* the head of the establishment sat 



PARSON MILTON. 81 

in the rear — who suffered the debidcmi to go through 
the prayer unmolested. But when the young man 
commeneed upon the hymn — the legitimate proprie- 
tor of the desk gave the coat-tail of the young divine a 
sliglit twitch, which caused its owner to raise his voice 
a htlle higher. The second stanza was hardly begun, 
when another twitch caused the reader to raise his 
voice another note ; — another and another twitch — a 
louder and a louder strain, was the consequence. 
One more long, hard pull at the coat tail, — but there 
is a point, — Nature had done her utmost — still '• ex- 
celsior " was the cry, which ran from the coat-tail to 
the brain of the poor martyr — who now put his whole 
strength into his lungs, and brought forth one long, 
almighty squeal! 



When this eccentric preacher first came to New- 
buryport from London, he then, as ever afterwards, 
Avore his hair very long. Some of the curious old 
dames of his church wondered at his taste ; whilst 
others, rriore malicious, hinted that his ears might have 
been cropped. The story, like all slanders, soon 
spread like wildfire. Curiosity was " up and dressed," 
— and one antique vestal declared she would be satis- 
fied. Accordingly, one afternoon, she invited the 
parson to tea. Both before and after the repast, the 
venerable virgin was on the qui vive — trying to get a 
peep under the parson's locks, to see if the append- 
ages to his hearing portals were not clipped of their 
fair proportions — but to no purpose. Just as the 



82 HITS AND DASHES. 

preacher-man was about to depart — the matron be- 
coming desperate at her ill-success — as she handed 
him his hat, remarked, " La, Mr. Milton, what beau- 
tiful hair you have!" — at the same time pushing 
away the locks that clustered around his ears ; upon 
which the eccentric divine, comprehending at once 
the woman's meaning, snapped out in one of his inim- 
itable yells — " D'ye see 'em I " 



On being called upon to do a prayer at a Fourth of 
July dinner, he arose and invoked the throne of Grace 
thus: — " O Lord, dehver us from sham patriots — 
for Christ's sake, amen I '' 



EPISTLE FROM KEWBURVrORT. 83 

EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT TO THE 
BOSTON POST. 

IKE as an egg is full of meat, so is this antique 
town replete with traditions of eccentric men 
who, whilom, did flourish here. But their day and 
generation have passed and gone. Things have taken 
a revolution. The oneness which of yore did mark 
the people, is vanished. Cotton mills have usurped 
the places once dedicated to the West-India trade? 
and the agent, overseers and spinners walk in the foot- 
steps of the former merchant, clerk and mechanic ; — 

" Old times are changed — old manners gone ! '' 

'Tis now like finding manna in the wilderness to 
light upon an old codger who wall tell of the things 
that were. 

Here stands the theatre of the first display of witch- 
craft in Massachusetts, — the " olde Morss house,'' — 
w^here, as Cotton Mather has it put down in his 
" magnolia " — " Brickes, stickes, and stones, were 
thrown against ye house violentlye bye an unseene 
hand I " And in goode man Morss's own words, vide 
the court records of those days : — " The two pottes 
which didd hange in ye chimly didd knock togetlier 
very violentlye ' for severalle minutes. Moreover ye 
andiron didd leap into ye big potte and dance, and 
there abide. I putt my awle in a cupboard and fast- 
ened ye dore — anon it came down ye chimly, I know 
not how. We heard a noise at midnight, — arose, and 



S4 mrs and dashes. 

found a grate hogge in ye house, ye doore beinge 
locked — very willinge to go out!" Besides many 
more freaks which I have not space here to put down. 
The house is a curiosity of itself, with its half a score 
of L's and additions, — looking like a game of domi- 
noes." 

Of course, you and the whole world have heard of 
Lord Timothy Dexter, who so pompously flourished 
here some thirty or forty years ago. But whilst all 
his little foolish eccentricities has been published to the 
world, I am sorry to say that his many virtues have 
been hid under a bushel. He-was a benefactor to the 
people — not party. He took things in a cosmopoli- 
tan light — not one-sided. He did not give a large 
sum to a sectarian minister manufactory ; if he 
had, his name, like some others, would have 
pealed forth throughout the land. But he gave his 
little here — his httle there. He gave, as a saint, 
a pretty little purse lowards building St. Paul's church 
there, which, in olden time, would have canonized 
him. He gave, as a christian and a man, a goodly 
sum to be put in the care of the town, the interest of 
which, annually, to be invested in provisions for the 
poor, who kept tlicmselvcs out of the almshouse. In 
short, he did many noble things, w^iich he should be 
credited for, and which are nov/ lost sight of through 
his peculiarities. Every one who has read his will, 
says there never wa^a more judicious one made. He 
was no fool, either, as many an anecdote of him will 
show\ Speaking of a man whom he had befriended 



EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT. 85^ 

many times, and got repaid with ingratitude, he said. 
*' D — n him, he reminds me of a hog under a tree^ 
eating acorns, never once thinking of looking up to see 
where they come from ! '* 

I will e'en give you a story or two about Jemmy 
Ball, of the piscatory profession, in bye-gone days. 
— and that will wind up this epistle. A queerer chick 
than Jemmy never was hatched. Rough as a shag- 
bark outside, he was all right within, and withal, a 
perfect philosopher. But his spouse, who gave him a 
deal of trouble, was quite the reverse, coarse as a gra- 
ter, both outside and in. " I want tow-cloth enough 

to make a pair of for Bets,'^ exclaimed Jemmy 

one morning to a shop-keeper, " she has been dunning 
mo for't for a long time, and swears if I don't get it to- 
day, she'll take my wherry sail for 'em ! " 

Jemmy came home unexpectedly one afternoon j 
and found his spouse in the lap of a gentleman of col- 
or. Instead of flying in a passion, as most husbands 
would, and raise a miniature tophet about the house, 
— he folded his arms, looked at the dehnquent wife 
*'more in sorrow than in anger," and exclaimed, " I 
don't care a cent about it, Bets, — but it clonH look 

His idea about the note was not any farther out of 
the way than many of our banks get sometimes. 
*' You may put these fish to the old account, Mr. 
Ball," said a customer to him after selecting a nice lot 
of tom-cod. " Put 'em to the account I" replied our 
hero of the hook and hne, with surprise ; " what ac- 



86 



HITS AND DASHES. 



count? I doirt owe you anything; didn't I give you 
my note t'other day ? " — 'Twas this same Jenmiy who 
said one time that the clams were scarce, as they had 
struck off in deep water ! 

By my troth, this is a pleasant town, beautifully sit- 
uated on the Merrimac, near the sea, every variety of 
prospect abounding it. A nice, quiet place to spend a 
few days, — • especially now, 

" When summer smiles on sweet Pow hill, 
And corn is green at Salisbury ! '' 



EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT TO THE 
BOSTON POST. 

MENGTHENING my visit here, you shall have 
^ another epistle from these parts. 
Took a sail down to Black Rocks one hot evening last 
week; found things all right at this fashionable watering 
place. There was the Hon. Japhet Dingleton, from 
New Algiers. Moreover, the two accomplished 
Misses Dingleton v/ere there, and shone forth like 
unto two new tin pans !.- The elder was dressed in a 
light chintz frock, high in the neck, with circular pock- 
ets in front, bound round with red tape, — into which 
she would ever and anon thrust her pretty fingers 
with the air of a princess. Her flaxen hair tied up in 
a single tress with an eel-skin, gave a tont ensemble to 



EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT, 



m 



her classic head. Her substantial pedals were encased 
in right good kip, and she wore the hose which Mrs. 
Nature gave her. The younger sported a spick- span 
new gingham, purchased at Ezra Merrill's — a leetle 
lo\v in the neck ; a string of glass beads fell over her 
s\N elling bust, like unto green pease upon a white plat- 
ter ! There was not a little ogling between the 
younger, who appeared a trifle coquettish, and a dap- 
per little skipper from the port of Bellahache. 

The mayor of Dogtown is expected here to-morrow ; 
the '' keg " has been sent up to " Mark's '* to be re- 
plenidied, in anticipation of his coming. A grand ball 
will come off on that occasion ; Israel Turner will be 
there with his fiddle, and a delegation from the Isle of 
Shoals is expected. 

Speaking of the Isle of Shoals reminds me of one of 
the natives, who was caught there, long ago before 
the place was civilized, 'twas said by a dough-nut tied 
to a boat-hook, — but I rather doubt it; nevertheless, 
caught he was, no matter how, and brought to New- 
buryport, where he expressed the wildest astonishment 
at all the strange sights. But his wonderment knew 
no bounds when he saw a horse and chaise go past. 
He ran into the house of his master, — his eyes expand, 
ed to the size of a pair of the largest Oldtown onions, 
— and screamed 4o his highest note, — " Mr. Knapp ! 
O, Mr. Knapp ! the cow is running off with the wind- 
mill I " 

This was in olden time — the people are, of course, 
more enlightened now. Albeit, there may be found 



S8 HITS AND DASHES. 

some few '' cases " round about these parts in this eii- 
hghtened age. '' Beautiful weather, sh'," said a min- 
ister to an old codger, not far from New Algiers, 
awhile since. '' Yees, yees," replied the fisherman, 
sich weather as we reads on." " I don't recollect the 
passage, my dear sir," returned the parson. " Wal, 
by thunder ! that 'ere's a good un," retorted the 
man of ichtliyology, '• don't you ever read your alma- 
nac ? " 

Here's a good ^un about phrenology, which came 
off here once upon a time. An itinerant in this sci- 
ence gave a public lecture, interspersed with a few 
public examinations. A celebrated tonsor of this 
town came forward and placed himself under the 
liands of the man of skulls, who, after feeling and rub- 
bing the cranium, gave our artist attributes diametri- 
cally opposite from those he possessed; whereupon the 
man of lather thus spoke out ; " I tell you what, my 
dear sir, it's my opinion that you might as well under- 
take to tell who lives in a house by examining the shin- 
gles upon its roof as tell about a man's brains by 
feeUng the bumps on his head ! " 



WINE TASTING 



89 



WINE TASTING. 

SEVERAL years since, at a certain village in New 
Hampshire, a disappointed theological stndent — 
a trifle Aveak in the "upper works" — who had tried 
his hand at divers callings — such as school-keeping, 
soUciting subscribers to religious publications, lectur- 
ing upon phrenology, temperance, &c., — finally took 
it into his precious noddle to open a store. He was 
of the temperance school — as well he might be, for a 
thimblefull of the "ardent" would upset his shallow 
cocoa-nut ; moreover, he was parsimonious, even to 
meanness. 

The store was opened in due season ; his goods all 
well arranged ; mushns, molasses, peppermints, pork, 
calico, cod-fish, sewing-silk, salt, singing-books, sweet 
oil, bibles, brown sugar, ginger, gimblets, psalm-books, 
saltpetre, testaments, tow-cloth, almonds, augurs, (fee. 
&c., were put in their several places, ready for the 
campaign ; and our trader stood ready with his spic- 
span new white neck-cloth, and his hair combed 
smooth, to wait upon his customers. 

" You haven't any wine ;" said a wag lo our shop- 
man, after taking a survey of the premises — "you'll 
have to keep that article for a medicine, or lose the 
very best custom in the village." 

Our trader thought, probably, that if he lived among 
the Turks it were well to do as the Turkeys did ; or 
7 



90 HITS AND DA9HE9. 

may be the increase of dimes from the wicked traffic 
served to turn his weak head — stronger ones than his 
have been sadly warped by the latter cause — at all 
events, he consented, and sent off forthwith for a quar- 
ter-cask of old Madeira — for a *' medicine," and noth- 
ing else.' 

The delectable liquor arrived ; it was soon rolled 
in, put upon skids, and tapped ; the latter operation 
had scarcely been got through with when our wag, 
who had been on the look-out, again entered the 
store. " Got your medicine, I see," he observed, ** but 
are you sure it is good ? " "I bought it for the best," 
replied the shopman, " just you taste it ; I durst not, 
you know; besides, I'm no judge of the article.'' 
" Neither am I," returned the wag ; *' but there are 
three gentlemen in the village with whom I chance to 
be acquainted, who are.most excellent judges of wine, 
and if they pronounce it good, you'll be sure it is all 
right." 

" Please do me the favor to invite them in," said 
the vender of varieties. The waggish gentleman was 
off in a twinkling, and soon returned with three of the 
finest specimens of bon-vivantSy as could be found in 
a sabbath-day's journey. These gentlemen had re- 
ceived a sly notice of this affair that morning, and had 
dined upon salt fish ; so they were ready to do ample 
justice to most anything in the shape of liquids — good 
wine in particular. 

Our shop-keeper took down a wine-glass from his 
glass-wares, and was about to fill it with the ** glory 



WINE TASTING. Wt 

of Madeira," when one of the trio remarked thai it 
was not easy to judge from a small quantity, and that 
it required a larger body of the "juice" to test its 
qualities correctly. Accordingly a half pint tumbler 
was brought, which one of the " tasters " seized and 
filled to the brim with the rich liquid — 

" The blood of Madeira's vine!" 

then holding it up to the light, and eyeing it with the 
air of an old connoisseur, he placed it to his lips, and 
to the amazement of our temperance and parsimonious 
trader, swallowed every drop of it, instanter, — then 
filled the glass again and handed it to one of his com- 
panions, who followed suit, and gave it to the third, 
who did hkewise. 

" Well, gents, and what do you think of it ? " quer* 
ied our vender, as soon as he had recovered from his 
amazement. " I'll tell you, as soon as I get my mouth 
in taste;" replied the first man, " you must know that 
I dined upon fish to-day, and it takes something to 
quench my thirst — so here goes another ; " and away 
went th5 second brimmer of the " medicine" to keep 
company with the first. The others followed the ex- 
ample of their leader, smacked their lips, said it was 
not bad to take, — then did up a third round with as 
great gusto and despatch as the first, and told the as- 
tonished trader that his wine had quenched their thirst 
somewhat — that they could perceive no bad taste to it, 
and if he would take a jug of it into the counting- 
room, accompanied with some crackers and cheese 
and a dozen good Spanish cigars, they would then 



92 HITS AND DASHES. 

and there deliberate upon it, and give their judgment 
accordingly in good season I 

Our unsophisticated shop-man was thunder-struck! 
But he found he was " in for it," and could not well 
back out, so he did as desired — and such a time as 
they had on't ! Suffice it to say, that after nearly two 
gallons of his " medicine " had been punished, our tra- 
der at last got rid of his " tasters " at midnight, by 
giving each a bottle of the precious juice and a bunch 
of cigars. Before leaving, however, they gave in their 
verdict, that the article they had been drinking was 
wine, good old Madeira wine, nothing else, and, in 
their opinion, was not bad to take ! 



GRAND "HOP" AT THE OCEAN HOUSE, 
BLACK-ROCKS. . 

«' Sound the loud timbrel o'er Salisbury's blue waters, 
A ball at Black-Rocks ! — bring on the fair daughters !" 

FIHE long talked of " hop" at this fashionable re- 
sort came off with great eclat one evening last 
week 'Twas emphatically the ball of the season. 
There was nothing untouched or slightly handled. 
Manifold were the preparations on this auspicious oc- 
casion. First and foremost, the " keg" w^as sent up 
to '' Mark's " to be filled. Evergreen was brought up 



GRAND " HOP." 93 

in abundance to trim the spacious hall. Ezra Merrill's 
store at the point was ransacked to grace the fair forms 
of Salisbury's daughters; and Mr. Johnson's assortment 
of jewelry, at Newburyport, contributed no little to the 
show. Israel Turner, the Dogtown Paganini, w^as 
ready and willing with his inimitable violin, — and the 
Guinea minstrel was not behind hand. Even the she- 
publican of Guinea, Dolly Small, assisted there ; 
and, antique as she was, answered every lady's beck 
and call. In short, things ''went merry as the mar- 
riage bells." 

The bugle now sounded — " On with the dance ! " 
First on the floor came the admiral of Jappa, with his 
spouse ; though somewhat in the neighborhood of for- 
ty, she looked sprightly and rather juvenile withal, — 
to tell the truth, however, she was somewhat indebted 
to the Newburyport tonsor, and dressmaker, for her 
young appearance. This, couple was followed up by 
their three daughters, the oldest being the belle of Jop- 
pa ; all, nevertheless, looking fair as the graces. The 
trio were dressed in pink gingham. "We noticed, also, 
the accomplished Miss N — y — z, of the former place, 
attended by a young ropemaker ; we envied him his 
happiness. En passant, the jew^elry worn by this 
young lady was valued at nearly one dollar and a halff 
or twelve shillings York currency ! 

" Rich and rare were the gems she wore ! " 

Yes, they were ! — But, decidedly, the belle of the 
evening, was the beautiful, the bewitching, the lovely, 
the brilliant Miss F ^r of S — ab.r-k. She was ac- 



#1 HITS AND DASHES. 

companied by her parents. Her mother, a daughter of 
Pomona, long known at the Ferry Store, Newbury- 
port, as an extensive dealer in whortleberries, took her 
station at the belle's side, and went through all the fig- 
ures of the mazy dance, like one long practised in the 
Terpsichorean art. Though the mother, she presented 
somewhat a youthful appearance — a full round figure, 
and, if her face tvas tinted by 

" The shadowed livery of the burning sun ! " 

Still 'twas fair to look upon — open and ruddy. But 
the daughter I How shall we describe that form ? 
She seemed not of this earth, but — 

" Like some bright spirit from above, 
Come down to cheer man's weary way awhile,'' 

Lightly were her limbs fashioned. Her bright flaxen 
hair — done up on clothes-pins over-night — hung in 
profuse ringlets over her neck, which, barring a very 
little tan, was faultless. And, ahhough upon her 
cheek — 

" Triumpjied the russet brown," 

Still 'twas beautiful. She was dressed in a light mus- 
lin-de-laine, with manifold flounces, and trimmed 
around the neck, carried in long points down front 
and back, nearly to the waist, Avith either a dark yel- 
low or orange cord — 'twas impossible to tell which, 
as the two colors resemble each other so nearly, by 
candle-light. A silver ring upon her fore- finger was 
the only jewelry she wore. And even that brilliant 
seemed useless, when she could boast of such a pair 



GRAND *'HOP." Vm 

of dazzling eyes — round, black and shining, as two 
large Seabrook whortleberries, wet with morning 
dew I Her father, a retired clam-merchant, and a 
jolly old codger, would sit and watch the sylph-like 
motions of his darling, as she floated along the lighted 
hall, — ever and anon winking his larboard weather- 
beaten eye — and occasionally exclaim, " she'll do ! " 
Next comes the fascinating Miss E. A. Q. R-e-z-e 
of N — w A — g — s. She looked lovher than ever. 
The belle of the evening will have to look sharp at her 
laurels — for this lass of A — g — s has shaken them 
some. Moreover, I noticed a few jealous glances ex- 
changed between these two stars. "When Greek 
meets Greek," &c. iV' imporie, nothing very serious 
will grow out of it, I think. This beauty was habited 
in a very fine Lowell print — cut Ioav in the neck, 
and — 

" In longitude tho' sorely scanty ! " 

it gave her a decided coquettish and flaunty air — not 
a little heightened by the briUiant flashes of a mischiev- 
ous pair of dark hazel eyes — 

" Tliose orbs in liquid circles rolling ! " 

played the very deuce with the yeomanry present. A 
string of white glass beads encircled each of her beau- 
tiful wrists, in lieu of bracelets ; and the belt of her 
frock — studded all over with white spangles — as it 
reflected the light of the four-and-twenty dipped can- 
dles, looked hke the girth of Saturn : 

" Where'er she moved, those beads and spangles bright 
Shed on the scene it's bright and silvery light ! " 



S» . HITS AND DASHES. 

Come we now to the two Misses F — ddes, of N — a. 
The elder rejoiced in the possession of a magnificent 
Dover cahco, fight pink, sprigged with pea green, and 
mounted with thirteen deep flounces ; while the elder 
graced a fine looking Manchester chintz, of a fight 
orange, trimmed very tastily with sky blue gimp. 
They made rather a rich appearance on the floor, and 
were very good dancers. By the way, I must not for- 
get the navy agent's Avife at Bellehache — that fair 
and wholesome looking lady ; she was dressed in ex- 
cellent taste, and more costly, as she could well afford 
it, than any of the assembly. A superb Portsmouth 
lawn over a fight blue corded robe, made her look 
neat as a new dory ; in fine, her tout ensemble 
from the pink turban to the nice white cotton stock- 
ings, kept up with green lastings, gave her an appear- 
ance of coming right out of the upper draw ! She 
wore upon the second finger of her right hand a mas- 
sive shell ring. Many more of the fair ones present 
were deserving of notice, but I'll e'en defer them to 
the next bah, where I shall hope to see them shine 
forth fike Naiads upon Joppa Flats ! 



EPISTLE FROM BYFIELD. 9^ 

AN EPISTLE FROM BYFIELD TO THE 
BOSTON POST. 

(^IX miles from Newburyport lieth this parish — 
^^ fimous for raising jyorA'cr^, plmnp and fat. Many 
years since, a certain parson who raised a goodly num- 
ber of these unclean beasts, was putting the old Pres- 
byterian doctrine down hard, to his congregation, one 
Sunday, when he and his hearers were disturbed by 
the appearance of the minister's servant, a colored 
boy, who ran in hot haste up the pulpit stairs, and 
whispered to the divine, who immediately cut short 
his discourse and hastened homewards. Nearly the 
whole congregation followed him — thinking, of course, 
that some dire event had happened ; but what was 
their surprise, when they found the cause of the dar- 
key's errand — for, lo, and behold ! the female swine 
had just ushered into this w^orld of trouble a half-score 
of little piggies, that were busily engaged in exploring 
the " milky way I " 

jMany is the good frolic that I have enjoyed in this 
settlement when an urchin ; and many is the old land- 
mark that minds me of times gone by : 

" There's the mill that grouu'd our ye!lo\v grain ; 
Pond and river still serenely flowing ; 
Cot, there nestling in tlie shaded lane ; — 
There's the gate on which 1 used to swing, 
With Mary Jane ! " 

Just on the north-west borders of this parish, lielh 
the famous place for whortleberries, known by the eu- 



dB HITS AND DASHES. 

phonious cognomen of Dogtown. The march of in- 
ternal improvement has now nearly obliterated the 
strong peculiarities of the natives. Few of the old 
settlers remain — and they, with their manners and 
customs are fast fading away. 

I well remember, as many a Newburyport boy can, 
the only two vehicles that once hailed from Dogtown 
— old Dame P.'s square-topped chaise, yclept by the 
urchins, the "mail," — and another carriage of the 
same fashion, owned in joint stock by a company of 
whortleberry and herb merchants. Early in the spring, 
these caravans would make their weekly visits to the 
port of Newbury — loaded down with all sorts of roots 
and herbs in all their varieties — literally covering the 
vehicles — with hugh bunches of sweet-flag hanging 
pendant on the wooden axles. These, with the whor- 
tleberries in their season, w^as their staple. The na- 
tives were clannish, and went in for universal good 
amongst themselves. Even bribery could not reach 
them. They raised a very pecuhar cucumber, not to 
be found elsewhere ; it was early, very rich flavored, 
and of a singular, smooth exterior. Determined to 
keep the plant to themselves, as it brought them an 
excellent income, they resoved, each and every one, 
never to part with a single seed, upon any considera- 
tion. A certain grocer of Newburyport once deter- 
mined that he would procure some of these seeds. 
Accordingly he commenced making a friend of old 
dameR., who occasionally came to his store to trade, 
by treating her to sundry potations of cordial, a plug 



EPISTLE FROM BYFIELD. 9^ 

of tobacco, snuff, &c. One day, after the good danae 
had swallowed two gratuitous bumpers of peppermint 
cordial for a pain in her stomach, our grocer broached 
the subject: he told the good dame he knew it was 
against their rules to part with any of their cucumber 
seeds — but as he had a friend bound to New Orleans, 
who wished for some of them to take with him, he 
thought in that case that she could have no objection, 
as it could not interfere with their market. The 
dame promised the grocer the seeds, and got a quarter 
pound of snuff on the spot, wdth the promise of a bot- 
tle of cordial upon the delivery of the articles. Next 
week, true to her word, the dame came with the seeds 
— delivered them to the grocer — and took her quid 
pro quo. 

The next season the grocer planted his rare seeds 
with a deal of care. Cucumber time came, but he 
^had not even a vine. He dug up his seeds, but there 
they lay in the same state as when he planted them ; 
they had not even began to germinate. When dame 
R. next called upon the disappointed grocer, he told 
her that her seeds would not grow. 

" How d'ye know that ? " replied she, " I thought 
you was going to send 'em off to Orleens." 

" Yes, but I kept a few to try, and see how they 
were going to work," replied the grocer man. 

*' Didn't ye 'spose I knowed all that," returned the 
dame, as she took a bouncing pinch of yellow snuff; 
" you 'port merchants ain't nigh so sharp as you think 
you be. I know'd what you was up to, so I thought 
I'd fix ye. I tiled them 'ere seeds ! " 



100 HITS AND DASHES. 



EPISTLE FROM SOUTH BERWICK, TO 
THE BOSTON POSr. 

^JIHIS is one of the old settlements of York county, 
^> Me., very pleasantly situated on the Quamphe- 
gan river ; hill and dale, meadows, fields, streamlets 
and waterfalls abounding in it. I have passed many 
a pleasant hour, in days gone by, strolling along the 
picturesque banks of the river, v/atching 

" The waters as they run 
Thro' woods and meads, in shade and sun." 

About a mile from the ''landing" is a natural curi- 
osity called the " great works." It is a large chasm, 
some two or three hundred feet across the top, forty or 
fifty across the bottom, and about a hundred deep. 
The sides are made up of rocks and soil, trees and 
thick underwood lining it. A waterfall of fifty or six- 
ty feet comes tumbling dow^n a precipice of rocks at 
one end of this chasm to a very deep basin below. A 
nice cool place, as one might well imagine, to sit upon 
the rocks at the edge of this basin, and watch the wa- 
ters as they rush, foam and sparkle down the preci- 
pice. 

There are some rehcs of antiquity about here. A 
few miles down the river, on its banks, may be seen a 
score of old graves, with very rude, narrow head- 
stones, the initials only of their tenants rudely chiselled 
thereon. Who or w^hat they luere I cannot find out 



EPISTLE FROM SOUTH BERWICK. 101 

to a certainty. But they sleep in a quiet spot. The 
gently rolling waves of Quamphegan kissing the 
mossy banks of their still resting place. Here — 

" Echo in her airy round, 
O'er the river, rock and hill, 
Cannot catch a single sound, 
Save the clack of yonder mill.' 

The first settlers here were troubled some by the 
Indians. A blacksmith killed one with his hammer, 
so it is said ; but I will give the story in Mr. Styles's 
own words. This old worthy flourished about forty 
years ago, and many a time has he related the affair 
to men who are living here now, and to whom I am 
indebted for the anecdote. He had a peculiar deliv- 
ery caused by an excess of yellow snuff, Avhich gave a 
piquancy to his narrative. 

The parson and Mr. Styles met at a wedding one 
evening, and the divine asked our hero if his sire 
didn't slay an Indian once. " Yes, he did do that 'ere 
thig. You see the old mad was at work at his advil. 
ad jest as he ad put th' irod od it, ad took up his hab- 
ber to poud, he heard a snap, ad lookig up, seed 
ad idjin's head pop up behide a log, jest cockig his 
gud ; quicker 'an lightnig th' old mad Aug his habber, 
and struck th' idjun od his head, killig him quick in a 
bobet ! " 

'' Then he slew the son of the forest, did he, Mr. 
Styles ? " queried the divine. 

" Yes, yes, he killed hib deader thad thudderation I " 
This Mr. Styles was in the habit of imbibing some, 



102 HITS AND DASHES. 

and occasionally would come home with a *' brick " in 
his hat. His wife, who was never of the sweetest tem- 
per, would flare up on such occasions awfully. 

" Go out of the house,'^ said the termigant to her 
lord and master one day, as he reeled in, as well as 
he could from the effects of divers potations of New 
England. 

" Shadt do addy sichthig, Mrs. Styles," replied our 
hero. 

" If you don't," roared forth the shrew, " I'll knock 
you through the side of the house, carrying away the 
posts, braces, clapboards, and all ! " 

*' Ah, Mrs. Styles," returned the delinquent hus- 
band, " there's a law agid that, you'll fide, deped up- 
od it. Yes, there's a law agid a wife's knockig her 
husbad thro' the side of the house, carry ig away posts, 
braces, clapboards, and all, deped on't ! " 

This village is getting modernized, more and more 
every year. It is fast losing its old landmarks. Some 
old citizen will die, then his estate will undergo a 
change. I remember some sixteen or eighteen years 
since, an old lady owned a delapidated house right in 
the midst of the factory company's land, where they 
intended to build a large block of boarding houses. 
They thought she asked too much for it. She thought 
otherwise. The agent told some one, in a jocose 
way, that he thought the company had belter give the 
old lady as much gin as she wanted — she being very 
fond of the liquor — and that might hurry her out of 
the way, so they could get her land at a reasonable 



EPISTLE FROM MIDDLETON. 



i^ 



price. It soon got to her ears, and she immediately 
sent word to the agent that she wished they would 
try it ! 



AN EPISTLE FROM MIDDLETON, N. H., TO 
THE BOSTON POST. 

" Red light shone on the hill-tops, — 
Red light danced in the trees." 

OBIN-RED-EREAST and Rob O' Lincoln 

poured forth their morning hymn in rich liquid 
notes — whilst a full choir of the different feathered 
songsters joined in full chorus — John Crow did the 
sub-bass. The golden sun now rolled up from behind 
Agamenticus in all its spl'endor — rich, round and yel- 
low as one of Mrs. Colbath's premium cheeses ! The 
dew-drops sparkled in the golden light ! 

Myself made one of a party on a Moose Mountain 
expedition. After riding a few miles over a rough- 
and-tumble road, embellished with sundry and divers 
gridiron bridges, we came to the base of the mountain 
where we hitched our horses and struck-out on foot. 
Verily, 'twas the roughest path I ever trod. From 
the base to the summit of this vast pile of earth and 
granite, is a good long mile. After ascending about 
fifty rods, we halted for the ladies to rest — while the 



104 HITS AND DASHES. 

guide and myself went to the " gulley " to procure 
water. What a chasm ! There is nothing among the 
White Mountains that will surpass this gulph m wild- 
ness. Gigantic rocks piled forth in dire confusion — 
recesses for wild cats and bears — overhanging clifife 
— broken trees, over which we had to cross from 
point to point of the rugged granite. After crossing, 
walking and leaping awhile along our craggy, zig-zag 
path, we soon came to the deepest and remotest re- 
cess of this chasm, where, sheltered by a huge rock, 
from the crevices of this awful mountain, 

" Waters, pure as diamond drops, 
In a stone-basin fell I " 

What a cooling and refreshing place after a long 
tramp, on a hot summer's day I After a short tarry 
at this wild place, we soon joined our friends, with a 
share of the cooling drink we had brought from the 
den, then resumed our march for the summit. 

I never worked harder — 'twas almost impossible to 
scale those nearly perpendicular ledges. We had to 
take off our shoes to do anything at it. I broke both 
my suspenders, scratched the skin from my hands, and 
tore my trowsers I One of the ladies lost her bustle 
in the perilous ascent — the strings of her companion's 
linsey-woolsey gave Avay, and thai garment went roll- 
ing down the steep precipice ! " Even the guide's 
knit " gallusses " *' gi'n out ! " 

" Sicli a gittin' up stairs you never did see ! " 

Finally, after a heap of '' double toil and trouble " we 



EPISTLE FROM MIDDLE TON. 105 

reached the awful summit of Moose Mountain. A 
magnificent panorama was spread out before us. 
Lake Winnipisseogee on the right, with its manifold 
islands, " laughed upon the sky ! " A little to the left 
of that, lay in all its lovehness, the clear, calm waters 
of Merry-meeting Pond — 

" Slumbering o'er sands of pearly whiteness ! '' 

From that wild summit the host of granite hills of 
New Hampshire stood in array before us. 'Tuas a 
splendid sight ! A peculiar sensation is apt to seize 
me as I stand upon one of these mountains — with 
lungs inflated with pure oxygen, I look down upon 
the pigmy forms beneath my feet, and am ready to 
exclaim with the militia officer upon Mount Washing- 
ton, " 'Tention, the universe ! " 

It is a rocky country — albeit, there be some 
good farms round about this region ; and they would 
be much better if the young people would stay at 
home and help to take care of them. It is almost im- 
possible to get a girl to do house-work here — they 
had much rather go into a pestilent cotton mill, or 
make hhirts in a village or city for six-pence a piece. 
At the tavern in Farmington, the town adjoining this, 
a young man tends the table and does the chamber- 
work, — and I hear he has had a good offer to serve 
in the capacity of " w^et nurse ! " 

O, ye wayward daughters of the Granite State ! go 
back to your native hills — cheer up your lone fathers 
8 



1Q6 HITS AND DASHES. 

and^mothers, and regard your health — enliven the 
rough country by your sweet presence, and 

" Make her barren rocks and her bleak 
Mountains smile ! " 



EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT TO THE 
BOSTON POST. 

INEXHAUSTIBLE was the widow's pot of oil, 
^fe mentioned in the holy writ, and likewise inex- 
haustible seemeth the anecdotes of eccentric charac- 
ters, stored up in this old settlement. 

Among all these characters, none have figured so 
conspicuously, and no one has had so little justice 
done him as Timothy Dexter. In a letter to the Post 
last summer, I gave a sketch of a few of his benevo- 
lent deeds, which had heretofore been hid under a 
bushel ; and I have raked up a few more, which shall 
be rescued from oblivion. 

Timothy Dexter was anything but a fool. Every- 
thing he took hold of worked well ; not by luck, as 
some folks have said, but by most excellent judgment. 
He bought up the state notes of Massachusetts, when 
they were at the lowest ebb, and gave as his reasons 
for doing so, that if the state ever came up and flour- 



KPISTLE FROM NEWBURPORT. 10"? 

ishecl, she of course would redeem her paper ; if, oh 
the contrary, she went down, why, he and the people 
and his property would all go to the devil together ! 
Of course, the old Bay State came right side up, and 
Dexter reaped a golden harvest. 

Dexter once had a challenge sent him to fight a du- 
el ; with the judgment of a philosopher, he enquired if 
his antagonist was worth as much property as himself, 
as it would not be a fair thing for him to fight at noth- 
ing — to " pit" a fortune against a beggar ! 

If the old settlement had been blessed with a few 
more as generous and public spirited men as Dexter, it 
might have been something, and kept its head above 
water. He did not send his money to Italy for statu- 
ary chiselled by a foreign artist, but he employed a 
young townsman, just beginning life, to carve images 
of our best public men from native wood, to adorn his 
republican mansion. Furthermore, he offered to 
build a splendid hall and give it to this town, provided 
they would christen it " Dexter Hall." But the stiff- 
necked and straight- waistcoated old puritans, in the 
plenitude of their grace and profound wisdom, spurn- 
ed his generous offer with a holy horror, because it 
came from Dexter, the eccentric Timothy, who did not 
wear leather breeches and belong to a Presbyterian 
church. O, those self-righteous old fools ! They had 
heads — and so had Dexter's images. 

O, Timothy ! thy weaknesses have been blazoned 
forth to the world, whilst thy good and bencvo ent ac- 
tions have been written in the sands, and thy riianifold 



lOS HITS AND DASHES. 

charities nearly forgotten. But, Avhile I live, I'll take 
every opportunity to do thee justice, and strive to 

«' Weed the nettles from thy grave I " 

Billy Watkins was a queer genius. He flourished 
about the same time as Dexter. He lived in Dead- 
man's Lane, as he facetiously termed the quid street 
at the lower end of the I own w^here he was domiciled. 

Billy offered to give a vane to be put upon the spire 
of Mr. Giles's church, provided they would let him 
get one up to suit his own fancy. His design was, to 
have the tigure of a saint in the centre, for the spindle 
to run ihrough ; perched upon the tip of the small end 
of the vane was to be an angel, facing the saint with 
outslietched arms, ready to receive and succour the 
saint, ere the devil, which was to occupy the other ex- 
tremity of ll^.e vane, could beat up to windward ! 

Billys journal of the w^eathiu* was a rich document. 
Among the Uiany queer entries in which it aboundeth, 
was hi.s notice of twenty-eight consecutive days of 
north-east wind — at the foot of the page, he had 
written in a bold round hand — one eternal north- 

EASTIR ! 

I have picked up another anecdole about Charley 
G,, the mad wag who swapped the water for liquor at 
Peler Morse's — which story you will recollect I did 
up for the Post L^st winter. Charley took a field to 
plant ai halves. At harvest time, the owner came for 
his share of ihe produce, but the wicked wag told him 
very coolly that he was sorry there was none f(^r him, 



EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT. 109 

as the land did not yield but half a crop, and of course 
the cuhivalor was entitled to the first chance ! 



EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT TO THE 
BOSTON POST. 

OW you managed to get through the hot weath- 
er of this week in Boston, I know not, — but 
we have had a seige of it here, I assure you. Old Sol 
reigned supreme ; like unto one of Wilhston's double- 
gilt buttons, he shone forth in all his brightness I The 
sky roseml)!ed orrj immense sheet of lilngli-!) yellow 
metal! Even the m.-^on looked as if she had been on 
a spree — her face bearing the similitude to the back 
of a pinchbeck watch — or like the renowned phiz of 
Sir John Falstaff after he hadswallowed his sixteenth 
glass of sack ! W-h-e-w ! those were mehing limes. 
The ladies t hrew off their straight-bodied dresses — and 
en dishabel/e was the order of the day. Fish, oysters 
and clams did uol improve by age — and fresh water 
eels from up country were at discount. Old cheese 
was llvehj^ and strong butter was dull. Dolly Small 
took in her sign of " baked beans and sassingers," and 
replaced it wtth '' spruce and ginger beer." " Roast 
pork — fat!" ceased to be called for at the resto- 



110' HITS AND DASHES. 

rants — and sandwiches were in good demand. The 
very grease was dried up from the axles of the car- 
r ages, and the dry wheels, hke unto the old ghosts 
we read of, did 

" Squeak and gibber in the dusty streets ! " 

Mint-juleps were at premium — and f^herry cob- 
bl is were swallowed by teetotallers and anti-teetotal- 
lers — yea, verily, even the very temperance m,en did 
call for punch ! 

As for myself, I took up my line of march for the 
environs, among 

" The lone paths neath' cooling shadows;" 

and from thence to Plum Island — 

" "Where old ocean, wildly dashingf, 
Pours his broad flood upon the shore ! '* 

where, finally, I made myself tolerably comfortable 
over one of my friend Thompson's "juleps." 

But thanks for this rainy day, which has cooled off 
this iTiighly heat, so that I can once more sit down 
comrorlable and " take my pen in hand to let you 
know,' 6cc. 

To-morrow I take a trip over to New Algiers. You 
will recollect I sent you an anecdote, last summer, 
with a description of their vernacular. Queer place 
that. The natives are all engaged in the fishing-trade, 
and do business upon the community system. As 
soon as the fishing season is over, and llu ir piscatory 
spoils disposed of for cash — these men form a circle, 



EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT. Ill 

and their chief leader stands in the middle thereof with 
the '' smiling chinking heap," which he deals out in 
this wise : — the dollars are dealed as many times as 
they will go round, — then the halves — the quarters 
next, followed up by the small change and coppers, — 
the odd pieces left, are put into the public treasury for 
improving the settlement. A public well was built 
last year with the overplus ; and this year, if they have 
good luck, a curb, sweep, bucket and trough will be 
added thereunto. 

The good wives of these honest fishermen help their 
lords and masters by picking berries, which the place 
aboundeth in, and bringing them to this town to sell. 
Every fall, immediately after the fishing season, a se- 
ries of dancing levees come off at the different houses 
there. It is amusing to be present at a store here 
when these ladies come to make their fall purchases. 
One lady, last fall, came into a certain store to pur- 
chase her varieties, comir.encing with an enquiry 
for some " niiiepenn y-calico-for-ten-c-e-n-t-s ! " and 
<i< how many-yards-w i 1 l-it-take-to-make-a-switch-tail- 
g'.'uavvn!" '* What's that?" queried the vender. 
"Why," resumed the damsel, "a geuawn with 
f-l-a-u-w-n-c-e-s ! " " And Mr. Daven-p-o-r-t," con- 
tinued the fair purchaser, " I-wants-to-buy-some-bu- 
gle-m-u-t." " Borgamot, Miss Souter," replied the 
trader. " Yes-yes-ihat's-it," chimed in the fair Alge- 
rine — " Bugle-m-o-t-e — you know — the-s t u f f-lo- 
make-the-hair-smell-like-a-jilly-f-1-e-a-u-w-e-r I " 

" And-Mister-Daven-p-o-r-t, " added the pride of 



H2 HITS AND DASHES. 

Algiers — " I-wants-some-of-that-ere-s-h-i-f-ting — sich- 
as-Phebe-Deauw-had — iiot-sich-as-you-sold-me-lasl- 
f-a-1-1, — for-that-'ere-was-so-slimsy-it-stuck-to-my-back- 
jdke-a-bean-l-e-a-f ! " 



THE CONFESSION. 

CLOUD seemed to pass suddenly over the fea- 
tures of Maria. The lustre forsook her dark 
eyes. Her spirit seemed troubled. 

^' Triumphs the lilj' now, on that young cheek 
Where bloomed the rose." 

Ten times that evening did Edward iniportune her 
to acquaint him with the cause of her sadness, but not 
a word escaped her fair lips. Sadly and silently she 
sat ; — 

<' And now and then a sigh she stole, 
And tears began to flow." 

" Breathes there a wretch " so base as to injure you 
— my dearest — by word or action? Tell me — and 
by thine heart, as pure as heaven ! I swear, never to 
rest till I have redressed thy wrongs ! Is any awful 
mystery locked up in that bosom, that I must not 
know ? Tell me the secret, and, by the ringlets of thy 
hair! I will swear never to reveal it, though the most 



DIJAPPOINTMENT AND TEARS. 113 

infernal torments rack me ! Pour out thy soul — lell 
thine own Edward, ivhatlies heavy in ihy breast? 

She blushed — she placed her fair hands across her 
snowy bosom — looked languidly into her lover's 
face, and sofily — " like the last breathings of an ex- 
piring saint" — she thus confessed: " 'Tis them 
*ere darned green appples, Ned !" 



DlSAPPOINTxMENT AND TEARS. 

y^URINU the years 1813-15, a Nantucket fish- 
^^ ernian, finding himself thrown out of his em- 
ployment in consequence of the embargo, and being 
an enterprising man, started for Ohio, cleared a piece 
of wild land — built a log house, and soon got his lit- 
tle farm in quite a thriving condition. This being 
done, he returned to Nantucket for his family, and told 
his wife he had purchased a fine country seat, and de- 
scribed it with all the enthusiasm of a romantic narra- 
tor. His wife was anxious to see the land of promise 
— they lost no time in packing up their goods, which 
were put in a covered wagon drawn by a favorite 
black mare, which served the family for many years, 



114 HITS AND DASHES. 

and proceeded on their journey. When they got into 
the stale of Ohio, every handsome hous^e they saw, 
the good lady would earnestly enquire, "is that the 
house ? " " Oh no," said the man, '' ours is far supe- 
rior to any we have yet passed." After riding through 
the woods for several rr.iks, he halted before his own 
log calin, and told his wife and children to alight and 
walk in. " What I is this the house ? " she exclaimed 
in surprise. On being told it was, she burst into tears, 
— th»' (hildren, too, began to weep, — and, said the 
fisherman, '*By G — the old mare cried too I " 



The consummation. 

5fT was twilight. Seated at the door of a moss- 
^^ covered cottage, was the pride of the village — 
lovely Phoebe. Her finely moulded form — her ex- 
quisite and voluptuous lust — her classic and beauti- 
fully chisseled features — her sweet lips — teeth of 
pearly whiteness — and such eyes ! two drops of liquid 
azure set in snow! all combined — 'twas enough to 
meh the very soul of an anchorite ! 

Ees'd ■ this angel, knelt a youth, whose cheek, pale 
as ashes, lold the tale — he was in love! 



THE CONSUMMATION. 115 

" Tell me, suid he, in trembling accents, '' tell me 
this night my fate. Keep me in agony no longer. 
Tell me what sacrifice I shall undergo for you — you, 
my soul's idol ! Command me to perform a pilgrim- 
age around this earth on turning coals, and it shall be 
done. Anything — anything — but cast me not off. 
Plant a dagger in my heart, but keep me in suspense 
no longer ! Say, lovely Phoebe — will you — ivill you 
be mine? " 

He trembled — his heart throbbed — she saw he 
was ready to swoon — a crimson flush mantled her 
cheek — 

" Like the rich sunset 'neath Italians sky ! " 

She took his hand in her tiny fingers — put her smi- 
hng lips to his ear, and whispered — " Obcd ! I shant 
be noikifi else! " 



YE MAN WITH YE CARPET-BAGGE : 

YE CONTENTS THEREOF BROVGHT TO LIGHTE. 

AN PHCEBUS had reined up hi.s steeds, and 
given them their supper of chop-feed and good 
fresh hay. Sweet Cynthia, with the very smallest 
morsel of rouge upon her lovely cheek, rose from her 
ocean bed, nice and fresh as a ball of new June but- 
ter, — lighting up the sand hills of Plum Island — " tip- 
ping the rough oulhnes of " Black-Rocks " with her 



11(5 HITS AND DASHES, 

soft and mellow light — casting a broad stream of 
liquid brightness around the " breakwater,," and sil- 
vering the manifold window-panes at the settlement of 
Joppa. Now came forth Hesperus, " neat, trinaly 
dressed," and the whole constellation winked, blinked 
and tw.nkled " blythe and gay." 

^Twas at this interesting hour that a middle sized, 
pale, and rather elderly gentleman, with a slight 
blush upon his nose, clad in a suit of rusty black, 
alighted from the cars at the Newburyport station, 
from a western tour, and taking up his inseparable 
companion — the well-worn travelling bag, trudged 
onward to the principal public house. "Upon reaching 
the hotel, our veteran laid his carpet-bag gingerly 
down on the steps of the piazza, and went straightway 
into the house in order to negotiate for a short tarry 
there. Bui O, unfortunate man ! Reluming — lo, and 
behold ! ihe carpet-bag was not. A young man, who 
sat smoking a " regalia," told this man of travail that 
the driver of the Dogtown mail coach had just driven 
off, and as the mail-bag lay near by, he probably took 
the carpet-bag in lieu of it. More in sorrow than in 
anger did the wanderer receive this sad intelhgerice, 
and setting his face Dogtownwards, trudged unwearily 
onward. 

At the upper end of the town, our poor Vv^ight en- 
countered the eccentric teamster , — " Tell me," quoth 
he, " thou man clad in a smock-frock, — tell me, and 
direct my steps to Dogtown." George, with finger 
to the side of his proboscis, told his interrogator very 



YE MAN WITH YE CARPET-BAG. 117 

gravely that Pearson's mills lay over Ihere^ poiniing 
soulh-westeily. Our traveller then bent his steps in 
the direction of " over iherc^^ and by great good luck 
chanced to reach the Dogtown post office at ten p. m., 
where he found the post mistress busily engaged in as- 
sorting the contents of his truant carpet-bag. Had it 
been a post master^ the world would still have remain- 
ed in ignorance of the contents of that mysterious bag ; 
but tht.nks to the curiosity of this daughter of Eve, I 
am enabled to lay the inventory of the long-hidden 
mysteries before a curious public : — 

ITEMS. 

One shirt without collar or hosom. 

Two collars and bosoms. 

One pair of sh( es — somewhat worn. 

One pair of blue yarn stockings. 

One pair of drawers and one flannel shirt. 

Shaving apparatus, including pocket looking glass. 

Hair, loDth and shoe brushes, and box of paste blacking. 

A small piece of yellow soap. 

Needle, thread, sewing-silk, thimble, and bit of bees'-wax. 

Cotton night cap with border. 

Ball of yarn and darning-needle. 

One dozen shirt-buttons. 

Roll of parchment filled out in tiie Sanscrit. 

A slice of old cjieese. 

Roll of .\ SS. in Latin and Hebrew. 

A pocket Bible in Greek. 

One fine-tocth ivory comb. 

A small quantity of gingerbread. 

Cotton M-ither's Mngnalia, in two vols, octavo. 

Pilgrim's Progress 

Sternhold and Hopkins's collection of Fsalma and Hymn."?. 

Half of a baker's roll. 



118 HITS AND DASHES. 

Half quire of foolscap, two quill pens, and vial of black ink, 

Baxter's Call. 

A poor man's plaster. 

Small lot of barley candy. 

A temperance tract. 

And last, though not least — would it have been be- 
lieved — rolled up in a copy of the Puritan, was found 
a bottle of -'Otardl" 

The articles were immediately replaced, an apology 
offered by the post mistress for overhauling this queer 
mail, and granted by the persecuted possessor. The 
lady then invited our wanderer to spend the night at 
her domicil, and in the words of Bunyan, " The Pil- 
grim they laid in an upper chamber, whose windows 
opened towards the sun-rising ; the name of the cham- 
ber was peace ; where he slept \ill break of day, and 
then he awoke and sang." 



A RESPOx\SE. 119 



A RESPONSE. 

HAD been reading very late one evening, about 
the " spirit rappers," who have set the wonder- 
struck wonderers agog, of late, as well as some others. 
Suddenly, an indescribable sensation of drowsiness 
stole over me, and I was soon lost in the misty mazes 
of Morpheus. I dreamed that I was sitting in "ye 
Morss howse," at Newburyport, the first place of ren- 
dezvous for "ye unseen spirits" and witches in New 
England. Save the mono oiious clicking of the old 
eight-day clock that stood in one corner of the room, 
and the occasional snap o!' the List remnant of a back- 
log, all was hush. 

Well, thought I, things have cha iged here somewhat 
since Cotton Mather's day ; everything in this room 
— -once the scene of all manner of strange pranks 
most strangely played — i> n w as c;uiet as the quiet- 
est body might wish. Ah ! those were rare times, 
when old Gaffer Morss's " inke home did fly about 
ye roome, lyke as if itt was possessed with ye dyvel," 
and when " ye potte did tiop, e and. dance and skippe 
around ye roome," all to thsir great amazement ! But 
those days of superstition are passed and gone, and 
witchcraft has gone down to the grave, with the old 
fools who believed in it. At that moment, I heard one 
— two — three, distinct raps upon the old oaken table 



120 HITS AND DASHES, 

beside me, and immediately the antique candlestick 
thereon did twirl about with the velocity of a top, the 
flame of the twenty-four-to-the-pound dipped candle 
therein, burning with a most brilliant ultramarine lint. 
One loud rap, the candlestick ceased its gyrations, the 
flame of the tallow luminary "paled its fire," and all 
again was still. Another distinct rap — like the Gaelic 
chieftain. I sprang upon my feet, and exclaimed, " Thy 
name and purpose?" Rap, rap again. By the aid 
of the alphabet I learned that 'twas the spirit of Lord 
Timothy Dexter. 

He had come to tender me his thanks for vindica- 
ting his character as I had done — in reminding the 
cold, heartless, self-righteous, narrow-minded, ungrate- 
ful old hunkers of his manifold charities, and his mag- 
nanimous public spirit, when on earth in the flesh. 
Rest in peace, generous spirit, I replied- — so long as 
this town existeth, so long will the product of that fund 
thou didst bequeath the poor and needy, who have 
kept theniselves from the alms-house, cheer and glad- 
den the heart of many a poor widow, who shall, from 
her grateful heart, as she partaketh of thy bounty, send 
up thanks to ihy good and kindly spirit! 

Rap, again ; it was Billy Watkins's spirit ; he had 
just called to pay me his compliments. A bouncing 
rap! Parson Milton," w^as the response: "and," re- 
plied the spirit of the old parson, " I don't thank you 
for telling !so many anecdotes about me ; d'ye tear ! " 

Rap, rap, rap, rap — thicker and faster — some I 
could recognize, others I could not make out distinct- 



A RESPONSE. 121 

ly ; but many, I knew, were spirits of the olden school, 
who whilom did flourish in the flesh in this good old 
town, that had come to greet me. A short pause now 
ensued; but in a few moments — rap! bang!! 
whang I ! ! sounded upon the floor of the kitchen, " so 
loud and dread ! " that it seemed to shake the old 
building from sill to ridgepole. With no little trepid- 
ation, I demanded what spirit had now com3, that 

" Roared so loud and thundered in the index ! " 

With reverence did I bow mine head, even unto the 
floor, and hold in my breath, when this transcendent 
spirit responded — " Andrew Jackson ! " '' And what 
is your bidding ? 'M queried of the old sage, warrior 
and patriot. By Jove's imperial thunder-bolts ! such 
loud responses ! when the General rapped or rather 
thundered out — '^ The Union ! by the Eternal ! don't 
split it ! " 

9 



122 HITS AND DASHES. 



SPIRIT CHIROGRAPHY. 

In the same hour came forth fingers of a man's hand, and wrote 
over against the candlestick upon the plaster of the wall of the king's 
palace : and the king saw the part of the hand that wrote. — Daniel 
chap, v., verse 5. 

NEW marvel comes up, and we slow believers 
have just begun, after investigating it thorough- 
ly in all its parts, phases and ramifications, to give it 
the slightest credit, when lo ! like unto the plant in the 
vision of Pescaro, it has grown to a hundred times its 
original size, making a corresponding demand upon 
our slow growing faith. So with the spirit rappings. 

According to Mr. Fernald and some other disciples 
to the faith, this spiritual wonderment has now nearly, 
if not fully, reached its cUmax ; for they tell us that the 
spirits now write upon tissue paper, placed up against 
the under part of the table ! That announcement 
staggered what little faith I had been months in col- 
lecting ; which, altogether, might have been stowed 
away, close and safe in the remotest corner of the 
shell of a mustard seed. But now the thing has been 
tested — proved to a demonstration — so, skeptics, 
avaunt ! and dark infidelity, turn pale ! 

A soiree came off at the hotel of Mrs. Dorothy 
Small at '' Guinea," on Monday evening last. Dur- 
ing a pause in the dancing, the " minstrel," by request, 
did up " Old Uncle Ned." He had just got well into 



SPIRIT CHIROGRAPHY. ]»33 

this exquisite melody, when an accompaniment of 
" knockings " was distinctly heard to proceed from 
under the table. The whole company were amazed 
beyond measure, and so affrighted that '' the joints of 
their loins were loosed, their knees smote one against 
the other," and they stood speechless, with 

" Extending eye-balls rolling in white ! " 

Peter Tusang was the first to break silence. This 
g'emman told the company that " he had had de pleas- 
ure to be present at seberal ob de sperit rappings, 
mong de fus cullered cirkels in Bosting ; and de 
comp'ny need n't neber be ' feared ob noffin,' for if 
dey will jes' keep still, he will endebber to find out 
who de sperit be, — else to ' stop dat knockin' altoged- 
der, intirely ! ' " Mr.' Tusang then advanced towards 
the table from whence proceeded the rappings, pulled 
up his shirt collar, run his fingers through his wool, 
then, throwing the whole weight of his body upon his 
right leg — his left a little advanced, his right arm a 
trifle extended, with the hand open, the left arm 
akimbo, and with his woolly " cocoa-nut " a little 
a-jaunt — he, with the dignity of a commanding chief? 
demanded, " what sperit '^twas dat had come to visit 
this sembly, makin' de ladies and gemmen shake in 
dere petticoats an' trowserloons, like jujube paste or 
Guaba jellies, an' dere eyes to spand bigger dan 
Shanghai hens' eggs ? " 

[Knock I knock!] Peter called over the alphabet 
from A to Z, but no responses came. " Rudder guess 



124 HITS AND DASHES. 

you can't do nuffin wid dat ere game," exclaimed one 
of the company ; '' p'raps de sperit nebber knowed him's 
letters." " De "'telligent sperits, ladies and gemmen," 
continued Mr. Tusang, " had on'y jes one way to tell 
us who dey am, till tudder day, I heerd as how dat 
dey can write ; but if dis sperit can't do either, den 
what am we to do ? dat am de question now 'fore dis 
'sembly." " Fse got it ! " shouted the '' minstrel ; " 
" let dis 'ere sperit get anodder sperit dat can write to 
he]p it.*' Mr, Tusang then called for a sheet of tissue 
paper ; but even a scrap of common white paper was 
not to be found in the house ; the very fly-leaves from 
the only volume in the domicil, " music for the violin," 
were gone. Finally, as the last resort, a shingle was 
produced, and clapped underneath and up against the 
table. A succession of raps followed ; the knockings 
ceased ; the shingle was removed, and laid upon the 
table ; when, to the astonishment of the ebony crowd, 
chalked upon its face in bold characters, stood re- 
vealed — 

his 

Uncle X Ned I 

mark 



MYSTERIOUS TWADDLE. 125 



MYSTERIOUS TWADDLE. 

" Augurs and soothsayers, astrologers, 
Diviners, and interpreters of dreams, 
I ne'er consult, and heartily despise : 
Vain their pretence to more than human skill ; 
For gain, imaginary schemes they draw ; 
Wand'rers themselves, they guide another's steps. 
And for poor sixpence promise countless wealth ; 
Let them, if they expect to be believed. 
Deduct the sixpence, and bestow the rest." — Ennius. 

'O matter how ridiculous the hobby that is brought 
out, there can be found plenty of riders, ready 
to stride the nag, gallop and ride away, leaving com- 
mon sense and reason to " tottle " a-foot, as best they 
can. 

Some of our transcendant transcendental wiseacres, 
with their big bump of marvellousness, swollen almost 
to the capacity of a premium pumpkin, are congratu- 
lating themselves that they have reached the climax of 
wonders now in the nineteenth century — fairly out- 
stripping our forefathers, and the ancients before them, 
in all that is marvellous. Fools ! Just let them read 
only as far as the Salem witchcraft, of the doings, 
mystifications, wonderments, twistified twistifications, 

" Quips and cranks and wanton wiles," 

and all the divers and manifold ramifications of the 
bewitched and bewizarded ones of those days that 



.126 HITS AND DASHES. 

tried men's souls — aye, and bodies, too — then com- 
pare them v^ith " these weak piping times," and 
they must exclaim — " O, New England I thou hast 
lost the breed of noble witches I " 

Let us compare feats — a few of them. The spirits 
now, it is said, will remove a table a few inches. 
Pooh ! that's nothing. Why, I have it, myself, from 
living witnesses, good men and true, that at the house 
of one Deacon Spafford, at Rowley, Mass., a big 
meal-chest did, without any human aid whatsoever, 
traverse, sundry times, the garret floor, from one end 
thereof to the other, and with six men upon it ! Think 
of that, ye modern goblins, and show^ forth no more 
your weak and puny powers ! 

Rap upon the table, forsooth I Wasn't there a 
shower of " brickes, stickes and stones " rattled against 
the windows of ''ye old Morss howse," at Newbury 
— that Cotton Mather tells us of in his truthful (?) 
Magnolia ? Yes, even the very hog was affected, for 
he walked into the house of his own accord, and 
moreover, strange to say, was very willing to go out ! 
The spinning wheel, there, was up-tipped — goodman 
Morss's awl flew up the chimney, and anon would de- 
scend again, all by some unseen ponder. And a string 
of sausages that hung in the chimney-corner went up 
the chimney, flying through the air — perhaps for a 
feast to these missionaries of "ye dyvil I " 

After very many solicitations, I, a short time since, 
went to hear the " mysterious rappings." It was at a 
certain domicil at the " South end," where spirits do 



MYSTERIOUS TWADDLE. 



1^7 



nightly congregate. An oblong table stood in the 
centre of the floor, and a round dozen of us, men and 
women, were seated around it, waiting in breathless 
silence for the ghosts of the departed to " squeak and 
gibber ! " The conductor of the farce told us, very 
gravely, that we must keep our minds in spiritual 
trim, and aloof from things of earth, as much as possi- 
ble ; those obeying these rules the most strictly, would 
have the best responses. Thereupon, two-thirds of the 
visages of this magic circle elongated to the longitudes 
of so many loins of veal ! I cannot tell what the others 
of this wonder-seeking company were thinking of, 
but my mind flew from one thing to another, on any 
but spiritual themes. At first, I gazed upon the good- 
looking, buxom little witch — the medium — • 

"And fell to such perusal of her face, 
As I would draw it." 

Then upon the countenances in general, round about 
the table — one, I was sure was jolly — two were 
thinking of anything but spiritual afftiirs — most, I 
know, were serious — and one poor wight appeared 

" Pale as his shirt ; his knees knocking each other ; 
And with a look so piteous in purport, 
As if he had been loosed out of hell 
To speak of horrors ! " 

The solemn and sable conclave of the Belknap 
street colored circle of rappers now flashed across my 
mind ; I was forced to bite my tongue nearly through 
to avoid a giggle. Lastly, the ridiculously sober ap- 



128 



HITS AND DASHES. 



pearance of us seated in " awful state " in that mock 
solemnity, made me feel as if I would gladly sell my- 
self for a crossed sixpence. Such was the state of my 
mind — the only spiriUialiiy about my brain, was the 
effect of a bouncing glass of old Madeira, which I had 
the precaution to take before I went there — to pre- 
vent any of the spiriiuals striking at my stomach ! 

'Twas now time to commence. Being nearest the 
medium, 1 was told to begin. '' If there be any thing 
here in the shape or condition of a spirit, it will 
obhge me by manifesting itself," I exclaimed, at the 
same time trying to suppress a smile. No response. 
The next " caller " was an old stager, the spirits al- 
ways came at his bidding. But, alas ! '' disappoint- 
ment lurks in many a prize," he couldn't fetch 'em. 
Nor would they respond to the next, nor the next ; — 
the whole company were disappointed. 

" There is some person or persons here that is or 
are repulsive to the spirits — I'll put the medium in a 
trance, and thereby find out the Jonah," exclaimed 
the director. " And I'll keep nothing back," returned 
the fair medium, 

A few passes from the potent hands of the master of 
ceremonies, and the damsel " went off like a lamb," 
into the spirit world — perhaps. 

She told us that she saw myriads of spirits, 

" Like greyliounds in the slips, 
Straining upon the start ! " 

ready and willing to respond to each and all of the 
company present, save one. *' And who might that 



MYSTERIOUS TWADDLE. 



129 



be ? " I queried of the maiden. " I'd rather not tell, 
— you'll see anon," she replied. " But you were to 
keep nothing back," I urged. "I can't tell //ia/," she 
replied, maintaining her point. 

" The time waxeth late," said the conductor — " and 
now we'll go on again ; you will commence, sir," ad- 
dressing himself to me. Obeying the orders, I brought 
my fist down upon the imitation of rosewood, with a 
pretty sound thump, and thus tartly spoke out : '' If 
there be any spirits present — good or evil — that have 
any idea of responding to me, they will please do it 
very sudden, as this will be their last chance I " 
Whereupon one of the circle, a lady, started up, 
horror-struck, — and glancing at me a withering look, 
told me, snappishly, that she guessed I'd find out that 
the spirits would not be dictated by me! "Ah. well 
o' day I " said I, " and perhaps that's your opinion, 
madam ; but just let me tell you that it is, and always 
was, against my nature and practice to coax any one 
in the flesh — and I certainly shan't do it to spirits, you 
may be assured. I requested them politely, at first, 
to respond, but they heeded not ; now I'll challenge 
Ihem, and do no other way, you see if I don't 
bring ^em I " The disaffected lady then retired to an- 
other part of the room, and left me to do things as I 
pleased, without further catechising or lecturing. 

I gave another bouncing thump, and told the spirits, 
i. e., if there were any, which I very much doubted, 
that I was determined not to sit there and be fooled 
by them any longer, and that this was their very last 



130 HITS AND DASHES. 

chance! — The disaffected lady trembled.— In a moment 
— [rap, rap,] Avas distinctly heard to come from mider 
the table. " There I " exclaimed I, exultingly, to the 
affrighted woman, " didn't I raise 'em ? " '' Ah, 
but perhaps it is an evil spirit," returned the credulous 
one. '' We'll see anon," I replied. A few knocks to 
my question, told me it was the spirit of my dead-and- 
gone grandma'am. " Ask her if she is happy," sug- 
gested the conjurer. '' That Would be a foolish ques- 
tion," said I, " why, my grandma'am was one of the 
salt of the earth, sir ; I'd rather ask her something that 
I don't already know." 

But the spirit had other '' business and desires " up- 
on its hands, it appeared, — for after rapping out to me 
that she could n't stay to say anything that night, but 
to m.y question when and where, promised she would 
meet me at the same place again, after the lapse of six 
days, grandma'am's sprite flew off in a twinkling, 
leaving the course clear for the rest of the company — 
and I took my departure for home, after fooling away 
two hours and a half, and lightening my pocket of one 
shekel of silver. 



A LENIENT DAMSEL. 131 



A LENIENT DAMSEL. 

NE summer I visited a friend in the northern 
part of New Hampshire ; he was a good, pious 
man of the free-will persuasion — I always liked those 
people — his family, too, all rejoiced in the faith, es- 
pecially the daughter, a buxom girl, inside of twenty. 
She wished to visit a relative, and I cordially invited 
her to go with me in my buggy wagon. 

It was a powerful \yarm day — the sun poured down 
upon us his double-distilled essence of Promethean 
caloric, nearly " dissolving us into dew," or something 
more limpid. Under such a sun and circumstances, of 
course, the sooner we got to our stopping place the 
better ; — but we can't always have things exactly as 
we'd Kke them, so we must e'en lose our way, and 
ride some three or four miles more than w^e should. 
At length we got right, and were congratulating our- 
selves that we were in a fair way to be at our jour- 
ney's end shortly, — frail hope — alas ! how uncertain, 
fragile and brittle are our joys, things in general and 
carriage fixings in particular, here below, and especial- 
ly up in New Hampshire I for in descending an awful 
steep hill — smack I went our off breeching hook, 
'' short as a pipe-stem," letting the carriage down up- 
on the haunches of the animal, Avhich operation the 
critter did n't seem to relish any more than did myself. 



132 HITS AND DASHES. 

Here's a muss, sure enough, I exclaimed, as I waited 
upon the lady out of the wagon, it's a good bit of 
space now to the foot of the hill, and a i^ood mile, 
Quaker measure, to the tavern and blacksmith's. The 
sun poured down its very best triple heat, and the per- 
spiration rolled down my countenance like miniature 
Niagaras. " Our armies swore terribly in Flanders," 
and it might be, I did soinething in that way, on this 
occasion. After considerable trouble, leading the ani- 
mal, zigzag, we soon reached the foot of the hill — our 
greatest difficulty being then over, we had little or 
no detention, and were soon at the tavern. I gave 
the team up to the ostler, with orders to get a black- 
smith to repair damages, then waited upon the lady 
into the house. By great good luck, the boniface 
chanced to have the m.aterials for punch — I soon had 
one — fixed right — and didn't it go in the right 
place ? That punch ! 

" Rich, more sweet than Juno's milk ! '' 

It would surely have made, under these circumstan- 
ces, a teetotaller forswear his pledge ! Of course, 
with such a streak of luck — finding manna in the 
wilderness, I was quite pacified — yes, actually 
happy, for 

" Sweet is pleasure after pain ! " 

And if it was not '* lovely Thais sate beside me,'* the 
damsel was comely and fair to look upon, at least. 

As soon as I had got pretty well soothed down, I 
told the maiden, that, perhaps I had given her offence 



A LENIENT DAMSEL. 133 

in my outburst of passion, when I " unpacked my 
heart with words," not wholly sacred, and that I 
hoped and trusted she would excuse me, as I was not 
in the habit of doing thus, especially in the presence 
of a lady. 

I saw by her benign countenance, that the good 
creature, as is commonly the case with the gentler 
sex, did look with mercy's eyes upon my transgres- 
sion ; for, with the sweetest expression and the sugar- 
est tone imaginable, she told me that she did n't ap- 
prove of such speech and expressions, in general, of 
course, — howbeit, in this provoking case, she thought 
that my conduct was, not only pardonable, but per- 
fectly justifiable. 



134 



HITS Ax\D DASHES. 



A CLEAN SWEEP. 

J^AMBLING has a tendency to corrupt any good 
mind,- no matter how little soever it may be in- 
dulged in. It is a selfish, sordid excitement — not an 
amusement, turn it and look at it how you Avill. 

I shall never forget a story that my good old aunt 
once told me, when I was a child, about a gang of 
gamblers, who were found, one Sunday, snugly en- 
sconced, down a dry vat of a rum distillery, playing 
at cards for money I From that day to this, a pack 
of these gamblers' tools, always, to me, seems to savor 
of New England rum. But to my tale. 

A few months since, a certain deacon of Amesbury, 
who owned a mill, happening to be passing near it, 
one Sunday, overheard voices, which proceeded from 
the race-way; he walked cautiously closer, and peep- 
ing into the abyss, saw a round dozen of youngsters, 
seated close to the great wheel, at a game of cards, 
with a pile of coin and a jug in their midst. The dea- 
con crept gingerly into the mill, and looking down 
from out of the window over the wheel, shouted, 
" Clear the race-way, boys ! the gate is coming up !" 
If a shell had been dropped in the midst of this squad, 
with a burning fusee upon its vent, they could not 
have dispersed more suddenly — they scattered hke 
a flock of frightened sheep, leaving their imple- 



A CLEAN SWEEP. 135 

ments, the money and their jug of grog, behind. The 
deacon, as soon as he saw the heels of the last delin- 
quent upon the embankment, clear of danger, hoisted 
the gate, when a flood of the pent-up waters, gushed, 
rushed, roared and tumbled adown the sluice — the 
mighty wheel turned, creaking and thundering upon 
its big axle — a deluge of the rushing tide sped 
through the race-way, and in a single moment, the 
"primers" of Satan, the jug and the coin, were on 
their journey towards the broad Atlantic, never to 
return, of course ! 

" Thus fare all these attributes of Beelzebub I " ex- 
claimed the good miller, with a smile of satisfaction, 
as he shut down the gate, — and, Amen I most heart 
ily respondeth Cymon ! 



136 HITS AND DASHES. 



SPICING IT HIGH AND DOING IT BROWN. 

'O matter whether it was at the east, west, north 
or south part of this city, where Daddy H. dealt 
out groceries and grog, so long as he did it — accom- 
modating his customers with common or uncommonly 
choice spirits, as it best suited their tastes, purses, or 
fancy, and increasing his stock of dimes thereby. 
Daddy H. was an epicure in liquors, and as good wine 
needs no bush, so, thought he, pure cognac, St. Croix, 
and Hollands requireth not the aid of condiments to 
make it go down, albeit he kept the different essences 
for flavoring his inferior liquors. 

One day, two wags, who knew the man, called up- 
on this dealer in wet and moist goods, and asked for 
two glasses of the best cognac. A bottle of the pure 
was set before them, with tumblers and a pitcher of 
water. After pouring out their liquor and tempering 
the ardor thereof with the cool Cochituate, the imbi- 
bers called for sugar — it was produced, but with a 
look from the epicurean dispenser of drinks, as if he 
thought that hio customers were not of the most refined 
taste, touching spirits. '■''K little Stoughton now, if you 
please," urged one of the party ; " and I'll have the 
same," chimed in his companion. It was an awful 
look that the grocer gave, as he added the elixir to the 
— in his opinion, already spoiled liquor. He bit his 



A BAIT. 137 

lip, and muttered to himself, " What shocking bad 
taste some folks do have ! " " Now, sir," exclaimed 
one of the cruel customers, as he sipped a little of the 
compound, "some peppermint, if you please — that'll 
fix it about right, I think." Daddy H. snatched up 
the bottle of warming essence — jerked a goodly por- 
tion of the Menthean extract into the tumblers — then, 
with a most malicious flash from his eyes, snapped out, 
*' There, by thunder, I 'spose you '11 want me to spit 



A BAIT. 



(^AMMY HIGGINS was wont to visit the widow 
®^ Muggins at sundry times and oft — albeit, he was 
slow at making a point. The widow was right glad 
to receive the man Sammy, but nevertheless was sore- 
ly displeased at bis tardiness in making known his de- 
sires. 

Now the man Sammy wot not of the Avidow's anxi- 
eties, nor did he set his whole heart upon the woman, 
but he loved right well to sit and smoke his pipe be- 
side the window. 

One evening, after a long absence, Sammy hied 
to the widow's whereabouts ; but as he crossed the 
10 



138 HITS AND DASHES. 

threshold of her domicil he was amazed beyond mea- 
sure, for lo, and behold ! the odor of burnt tobacco, 
even the Virginia plant, saluted his nostrils ; where- 
upon, the man Sammy did question the widow Mug- 
gins touching the fumes of the weed which did fill her 
apartment. Then did the cunning woman open her 
mouth, and thus make speech : "I was weary, 
my love, in waiting for thy sweet company, with 
which whilom thou wert wont to bless me withal ; so 
anon, in order to remind me of thyself, I didst pro- 
cure the fragrant weed, and, laying it straightway up- 
on the coals, it did forthwith send out its sweet-smell- 
ing savor to gladden my heart, teaching me to think 
of thee I" 

As soon as the widow had spoken these words, 
Sammy Huggins did fly into the widow Muggins's 
open and willing arms ; he did forthwith make an 
avowal which was most graciously received, and, ere 
the month was wasted, they twain, by the aid of Psir- 
son Hummins, were made one flesh. 



A CLIMAX. 13& 



A CLIMAX 



A PARTY of gentlemen were journeying towards 
^%) certain celebrated sulphur springs in Virginia, 
at which two rival houses were located some little dis- 
tance from each other. The landlord of one of these 
houses chanced to be in the coach with this party, and 
he tried his best to persuade the company to put up at 
his hotel. After naming the abundant facilities, ad- 
vantages, comforts and luxuries his domicil possessed 
over that of his rival, he was asked by one of the com- 
pany if there was any very particular objection to be 
urged against the other house, and if so, Avhat was the 
first and most important. 

" Obj-e-c-t-i-o-n-s I " drawled forth our Boniface, 
sneeringly ; *' Objections ! why, gentlemen, the air 
about them 'ere premises is chuck-full o' brimstone — 
you can scarce catch your breath — 'tis enough to sti- 
fle you ; then the water they use to cook with is full 
on't — you can taste the sulphur in everything — yes, 
you can smell brimstone all around and all over the 
house — up stairs, down stairs, in the parlor, dining- 
room, sitting room, and in your sleeping room, — 
and, by thunder! sirs, when your bill is presented 
I rather guess then you '11 begin to smell ! " 



140 HITS AND DASHES. 



SCRAPS FROM MY SKETCH BOOK. 

DESCRIPTION of the scenery among the 
White Mountains — the Notch in particular — 
is altogether out of the power of my feeble pen. The 
heaven-kissing mountains, the cloud-capped hills, the 
stupendous precipices, the craggy cliffs, the mighty 
forest, the silver cascade, the gushing Saco, the wind- 
ing brook, the purling rivulet — I leave for some one 
mightier than myself to describe ; and I will tell you 
my stage-coach adventure : — 

Going from Conway to Dover, N. H., my fellow- 
passengers in tlie stage consisted of a superannuated 
old man, whose phiz resembled the one which peeped 

, " 'Tween Priam's curtains at the dead of night," 

a single lady on the winter side of fifty, who looked 
like one of the Weird Sisters in Macbeth, and a bux- 
om girl of sixteen who sat opposite me. While the 
old gentleman amused himself by chewing his tobacco 
in silence, and the spinster busied herself by taking 
snuff out of one of Bell's paste blacking boxes, I 
whiled away the hours by glancing occasionally at 
sweet sixteen. 

She was beautiful ; her delicately chisseled features, 
her sott blue eye, clear as the etherial tint ; a ruddy 
glow of health usurped her cheek, hke 

"The rich sunset 'ncath Italia's sky; " 

and, to crown all these charms, a full rounded form, 



SCRAPS FROM MY SKETCH BOOK. 141 

of which Juno might be proud. She woh my atten- 
tion. Who was she ? where could she be going ? — 
to the factory ? I hope in my soul, no ; for, if so, she 
is going like a lamb to the slaughter. It is wicked — ■ 
'tis down-right inquisition to pat such young and ten- 
der beings in a Factory. Should she go there, her 
manners will be corrupted — in a few short years 
those charms will fade away. Instead of breathing 
the pure mountain air, she rises early, toils late, for a 
small pittance, and inhales into her delicate lungs the 
nauseous hot air, pregnant with cotton dust, and the 
fumes of whale oil. She pines away ; a sickly pale 
now comes over her fair cheek, 

" Like lawn being spread upon the blushing rose." 

She spends all her savings, the produce of many a 
tedious day, for medical attendance. It is of no avail. 
Consumption, with his iron grasp, has her fast. The 
thoughts of home rush on her soul ; she sees her kind 
parents, with her brothers and sisters, seated around 
the happy fire-side. How her soul yearns to be 
among them ; 'tis impossible ; she is too feeble to walk 
across the room, much more so to ride a hundred 
miles over a mountainous road. She has neglected 
writing home to acquaint her parents with her indis- 
position, thinking she should soon recover ; 'tis now 
too late ; despair enters her bosom, pierces her youth- 
ful heart, as she lies on a wretched bed in the crowded 
garret of a factory boarding-house. Grief bursts her 
tender soul ; she lifts her longing eyes towards hea- 



142 HITS AND DASHES. 

ven ; breathes a fervent prayer, then closes them for- 
ever. And that fair form is now " compressed beneath 
the clods of the valley ! " 

No, no, — she cannot be factory girl. Let me 
think ! yes I ! have it now. She is a young boarding 
school miss ; her kind, indulgent parents have fitted 
her out, and sent her down to the Quamphegan Aca- 
demy ; that's it. How could I have been so mista- 
ken ? I wish she would speak. Such .sounds as 
would come from those lips must be like .r 

"Earth's deep, sweet music." 

Just as I was about to interrogate her, an accident 
relieved me from the task ; for on going down a steep 
hill, a band-box fell fiom the coach, when the angelic 
creature exclaimed, " Hallo there, driver, you 've lost 
my bandbox ; you're the carelessest critter ever I seed 
— now you may jest start yerself arter it ! " 



THE DYING FISHERMAN. 143 

THE DYING FISHERMAN. 

" The ruling passion strong in death." 

XT was a tempestuous night. The angry winds 
howled and uttered forth then- unearthly moans. 
Old ocean roared, and lashed Plum Island's sands in 
wildest fury ; and all nature seemed in uproar ! 

In a rude hut beside the fiats of Joppa — lies stretch- 
ed upon his bed, the manly form of one of old ocean's 
childreii He hears the raging wind, the pelting rain 
and hail, and the Atlantic's roar, — but he heeds 
them not. 

And why should he ? He was born and cradled 
upon its rough billows ; the whistle of the storm was 
his lullaby. 

And now, he hes awaiting the coming of the King 
of Terrors. Hark ! The old South clock has ham- 
mered out the last stroke of twelve. See ! The dy- 
ing fisherman has leaped from his couch, and stands 
erect in the middle of the floor I 

The old nurse stands back aghast ! 

Lo ! he has seized his garments — the very habili- 
ments in which, full many a time and oft, he has fol- 
lowed his vocation. 

Now he is fully equipped ; with gigantic strides he 
rushes into the desolate street. With clenched fists at 
his mouth, in lieu of a trumpet — his eyes like carbun- 
cles — he stands in attitude, and roars in thunder 
tones, which might be heard above the din of the en- 
raged elements — "Here's Clams!" then fell the 
honest fisherman lifeless on the ground. 



144 HITS AND DASHES. 

SCRAPS FROM MY SKETCH BOOK. 

" A chiel's amang ye takin notes." 

gyiEAR-SHIRT is th^ euphonious appellation of a 
^^ snug little settlement of honest farmers, some five 
or six miles from Quamphegan, Me. They have one 
store, a school-hoase, and a house of worship. A son 
of Ethiopia fills the sacred desk. Strange to say, but 
his people almost worship him. He eats, drinks and 
smokes with them, — and if report speaks truly, they 
sometimes smoke the pipe from his mouth. 

As a matter of curiosity in these parts, I went to 
hear him hold forth, one Sunday ; such a looking 
colored clergyman I never saw before. As I entered 
the church and saw him sitting in the pulpit, it remind- 
ed me of a passage in Tam O' Shanter, " There sat 
auld Nick." His forehead sloped backwards, to an 
angle of forty-five degrees ; the top of his head, which 
resembled a bell-pear, was almost an island, his capa- 
cious mouth extending very nearly round it ; his nos- 
trils v/ere terrible ; an enormous pair of woolly whis- 
kers graced his ebony phiz, reaching under his chin ; 
his eyes, as he turned them skyward, resembled two 
new tin pans ; he looked awful ! After he had mut- 
tered a prayer, read a hymn and helped the choir to 
convert it into music, he commenced operations on the 
sermon, — and theway he extemporized to the sinners, 
and warned them to flee from the coming wrath, was 
a pattern worthy to be followed by all lukewarm 



A SLIGHT MISTAKE. 145 

preachers among the " white-faces." He exhorted 
them to ''keep clear of dem parnishus doctrines, dat 
sez you can go to hebbun on de wide smoove wode, 
wid silver slippers on. Radder gess dey Avell get mis- 
taken if dey blebe in dat doctrine ; gess how dey will 
find out dey will hab to go de crooked way, ober a 
stony Avode wid brogans on dere trotters, dat's vot dey 
vill!" 



A SLIGHT MISTAKE. 

UNT NABBY, maiden sister of Captain D., 
the grocer-man, kept her brother's house, and 
occasionally tended in his store. Her brain was a tri- 
fle shattered — that, with a swig now and then at the 
cognac, was very apt to upset her equilibrium, and 
strange mistakes would often occur. 

One day, a poor, but very honest woman, came in- 
to the store with a handful of silver change, which she 
told the captain she had found in sifting a half-peck of 
meal, bought of his sister that morning. On ques- 
tioning Nabby, it turned out that she had thrown in 
the coin to even the scales ! 



146 HITS AND DASHES. 

But the strangest freak of Nabby's aberrations 
happened once upon a Thanksgiving day. The 
captain had returned from church with an invited 
guest for dinner. The cloth was laid, — then the caulk- 
ings from the oven-lid were removed, — the oven was 
opened, and the goose and pudding were taken out — 
but alas ! and alack-a-day ! the viands came forth as 
they were put in — untouched by caloric. Nabby 
had forgotten to heat the oven ! 



EPISTLE FROM NORTH SCITUATE TO 
THE BOSTON POST. 

^fORTH SCITUATE, or "Old Sittywate," as 
the grandsires and grandames call it. 

" Here I've 'scaped the city's stifling- heat, 
its horrid sounds and its polluted air." 

But the breach is not wide enough yet, — for at the 
very place where I am domiciled, which is located 
upon a bye-road — a package of quack medicines, a 
magazine of the fashions for July and August, and a 
bundle of yellow -covered novels have just arrived, and 
are lying upon the very table where I'm now writing, 
waiting the arrival of the proprietor, a lady visitor 
from the city. 

" O, for a lodge in some vast wilderness ! " 



EPISTLE FROM NORTH SCITUATE. 



147 



By Jupiter ! I'll get ont of the way of this trash before 
summer is out — for, I'll fly to the outskirts of New 
Hampshire, and there, where 

" Throutrh the clouds, Chocorua's peak doth rise, 
And lift its granite torehead to the skies ! " 

I pray I may get from the sight and sound of this vile 
stuff — these dregs of civihzation ! 

The vegetation here is doing well, and the fields, 
gardens and damsels are 

" BlooininiT with rosy smiles ! '' 

This, you must know, is one of the oldest towns in 
the Bay State ; nearly surrounded by the salt water ; 
it is a very healthy place, and the people being frugal 
and temperate — no apothecary or doctor being very 
near — they generally live to a ripe old age. They 
are too fond of the dimes to squander them away upon 
medicines and such luxuries. 

They have a queer way of doing some things here, 
— instead of paying away fifty or one hundred dollars 
to a doctor, apothecary and nurse for a family event, 
as we poor fools do in the city, — five dollars for 
an old lady who serves in the capacity of mid-wife, 
nurse and maid of all work, pays the whole bill — 
roots and herbs included ! 

The only book she consuhs is the Farmer's Alman- 
ack ; and when it is " full sea," she takes her chance, 
and all is right ! " Natura duce," for ever ! 

Commend me, likewise, to one of their methods of 
making wills — wills, such as no disciple of Black- 



148 HITS AND DASHES. 

Stone would dare undertake to rip up. An old lady, 
for instance, is about finishing up for this world ; her 
kith and kin are called around her bedside, together 
with three disinterested witnesses ; the testator, propped 
up by a pillow, then goes on with the items : — ''A 
stocking full of silver dollars to be divided tnch and 
so — a quart, or half-peck of halves and quarters, 
thus and so — (be it known, the people here are all 
thrifty) — her furniture," wearing apparel, and other 
nick-knacks, so and thus." The moment the testator 
'' goes off," the recipients take their bounties, and go 
each on their own way, rejoicing ! 

They are generally an honest people, and somewhat 
godly withal, having a good supply of meeting- 
houses of different creeds — one, the unitarian, sport- 
ijig a tall steeple — 

" Like a pencil on the sky ! " 

which the waggish '' salts" here have christened " the 
sloop." 

Many people, however, do their own worshipping 
at home, as it comes somewhat cheaper. One of these 
parsimonious saints, in a morning prayer, begged the 
powers above to " cure ma'm's cough ! " For she 
had tried flax-seed tea and " thorough-wax," and it 
had done no good. And once, in saying grace at ta- 
ble, this same man craved a blessing upon all the food 
set before them, " except the apple sairce, that we got 
at Deacon Widgin's, and don't need it ! " 

" Old Sittywate " can boast of raising one poet, at 



A SQUALL. 149 

least, — Woodworth, the author of that exquisite gem, 
" The Old Oaken Bucket," sprung to hght a mile or 
two from my whereabouts. A poet in these parts, 
among these matter-of-fact people, " whom no airy 
forms or phantoms of the imagination clothe — whom 
nought but the music of the smiling, chinking heap, or 
the sight of the quickly convertible bank bill delight," 
is like manna in the Avilderness. Yes, Nature, in one 
of her freaks, created a poet here I Twas the daugh- 
ter of Olympia, who 

" Broke the plough-boy's morning dream, 
Led him o'er woody hill and babbling stream, 
Lured his young foot in every dale that rung, 
And charmed his ear in everj' bird that sung ! " 



A SQUALL. 



" List ye landsmen all to me, 
Messmates, hear a brother sailor 
Sing the dangers of the sea." — T'om JDil'din. 

^OTHTNG is more amusing, especially to an old 
salt, than the mistakes of a green hand in nauti- 
cal technicals. 

Many years ago, one Captain Clapp skippered a 
"pinkey" out of Newburyport. One season, hands 
were scarce — and this captain was forced to take up 
with two very green 'uns, who had never been " on 
the great deep, nor done business on the mighty wa- 



150 

IJITS AND DASHES. 



«eady breeze, like a dol£ Th"° ""'" ^ ^''"'^ 

J"f'°°W„g fair, -_ the S„e/af """' '^^' ^" 
f the men fonvard on theol ^^""°"'"g O"- 

had scarcely elapsed, when a T" -'^" h°« 

w,nkhng_,trifc-ng he pL. '"'" '^^^"'^ "P >" a 
,fh-i-; "'entthe^schoon^lr "r """' 'J^^^'"-- 
the velocity of light,;,,/""'' """''^h the water, with 
"J«^^ow, Jate! she's m= , , 

.'"•^ :'"er rope, so L ^ ott .T'^"^'^"^ ''^'^ "- of 
'-'-ess.l have her otntf;'^'"^"" '- 

:— ,;-''h:;tt:d;i;*^^^^^^^ 

oft?er^:r::;;^;-"^^^^ 

;" ''- bulwarks, taC ,f-^-.'he sea stofe 

-S::.x-/;ehei.s_^ 

P^'y. the «as,s are gone Th! ; " ''"' "^"^ '^'P^^^ to 
-«} the riddlin^sricr^l took? " ^"°' '" ^ '--1 
ter deck -and, by darn . T'"^ °^ 'he quar- 
overboard!" ^ '''™' ^^'''^^ ^ost the fo^.^^J^ 



THE CLOSE OF THE YEAR, 151 



THE CLOSE OF THE YEAR. 

KpHE present year is about making its exit, and 
^fe we feel as if we were bidding adieu to an old 
acquaintance. As we take a retrospective glance at 
the hours gone by, since this year first shone upon 
us, many a tear of joy and of sorrow will burst forth 
in spite of our philosophy. Sweet memory will 
bring to light many a bright halcyon hour. But all 
is not joy here below ; a few sprinklings of sorrow 
will surely serve to fill memory's cup ; and with 
many — -very many — 'twill form, alas ! the largest 
portion. There sits a bereaved mother ; her only 
daughter, young and lovely, the comfort of her old 
age, the pride of the neighborhood, has been cut 
down by death. Physicians did their utmost — her 
friends watched by her night and day — all could not 
save her, but 

♦' Like a lilly drooping, 
She bowed her head and died ! " 

Where is that young man v^ho was the very life of 
the young circle ? "Where be his jibes now? his 
songs ? his flashes of merriment ? " Gone ? gone 
forever ! His body now reposes in yonder cemetery, 
and his spirit has returned to Him who gave it ! 
Many can tell their tale of sorrow ; husbands have 
lost their wives — wives their husbands; near and 



152 HITS AND DASHES. >^ 

dear friends have been separated by death's impartial 
dart ; but why should we murmur ? 

" Could tears revive the dead, 

Rivers should swell our eyes, — * 

Could siirhs recall the spirit fled, 
^•\Ve would not quench our sighs." 

Now is a goodly time to make resolutions for onr 
conduct the coming year. Let the old toper throw 
down the inebriating glass for ever. And ye mod- 
erate drinkers ! shun the intoxicating cup as you 
would a basilisk! make a resolution never to touch 
the infernal liquid more. Young men and maidens! 
set down some good resolutions for the forthcoming 
year, so that you may be wiser and better at the close 
thereof. 

Ye middle aged ! your sands have half run out ! if 
you have not lived as you ought to have lived — ask 
pardon for the past, and live purer and holier for the 
remainder of your lives. 

Ye whose heads are silvered over with age ! whose 
faces are 

" Ploughed by the share of years ! " 

remember that you stand upon the very brink of the 
grave, and, after a few more rising and setting suns 
you will, 

" Upon this bank and shoal of time — 
Jump the life to come ! " 

then, if you have lived an honest, virtuous and 
righteous life, you will, when the hour of dissolution 
draweth nigh, exclaim, 

" Oh death, where is thy sting ! " 



LBJa'13 



